Less Flab - More FAB

2010-01-18T06:15:00.000-08:00

Time and Tide

It has been over a year since I posted to this blog, but some recent activity, spam though it was, poked me to update the site. Basically, all is well with me. My weight is stable, although I struggle to keep my iron and vitamin D levels at a reasonable level. All of my other labs are good. I wear a size 14 with forays into 12 territory and I feel blessedly normal.

A bit over a year out from my last surgery, I have healed very well. After 6 mos. I went to a new PCP and he looked at my scars and asked "How many years ago was that surgery?". The scars are very light, the miraculous "belly button" still remains, and I am so glad not to have the blockages anymore - those attacks were very scary and painful. Having a very flat stomach has also been great for my self-esteem in an odd way. I never realized how much having a big belly - and, later, a lot of skin - reinforced my sense of being a fat person. Now I'm a normal-sized, middle-aged woman with my mother and grandfather's big thighs. If I had one more plastic surgery, it would be to remove the excess skin from my upper arms, but nothing is planned for the immediate future.

On a sad note, Tess, my beloved nurse cat, became very ill in December and had to be put to sleep in early January. It was a tremendously difficult decision and a huge loss for all of us. We miss her very much.

2008-12-22T07:25:00.001-08:00

Happiness = Valenki

OK, these things will never win any fashion contests. But when it's -17 outside, these are what you want on your feet: traditional Russian wool felt boots, called "valenki". Worn with a pair of thin socks, they keep your feet really warm, even in Siberian-like snows. After coveting other peoples valenki for years - the fact that wearing valenki was considered the best way, short of neon, to advertise your hickness when I was over there, notwithstanding - I found a pair on sale on ebay and they arrived on Friday. Do check out the seller valenki-rus if you have size 7 or 10 feet and you can snag a pair for under $10.

My feet are SO happy. And I was especially glad to get them just when my DH was coming down with a cold. Wearing valenki is an old folk cure for keeping flu and cold free - some kind of stimulation of the feet. Take it for what it's worth. In general, I'm feeling better week by week. Got the okey-dokey to go back to work after the 3rd of January.

2008-12-10T14:04:00.000-08:00

Drains OUT, Appetite IN

Wow! Who would have guessed that this would be such a relief? I had my two large drains taken out this afternoon - much less painful than I thought it would be - and, within an hour, my appetite had returned and I was able to get in 12 g of protein with more to come. Having said that about my appetite, I am now, as of today, with 5 lbs off for winter clothing, official at the goal weight my DS set for me lo these two years ago. That is wild.

I still have the little seroma drain in, which had become clogged and needed some clearing from the fantabulous Ms. Crystal, my PS' superior nurse. She wrestled that puppy into position and out plopped a whole string of glop. The only icky thing about this drain is that since the entire space is less than an inch deep, I really feel it if I move a particular direction or it moves out. *Shudder*

So, all in all, I'm feeling better, still on the antibiotics for another week, have a smallish waist and no stomach. I realize that I've not said too much about the physical results, but they look VERY good, esp. compared with other pix I've seen at 3 weeks out. The scars have completely closed over and even the slight curve to the shape is very aesthetic.

2008-12-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

Ad Astra per Asperation

Today I had my seroma drained, and it was pretty much an all-day affair. All in all it was much less painful than my previous experiences with aspiration, where I had to be held down, passed out, etc. The worst part of this procedure was the multiple bruises I now have all over my R hand and arm from them trying to do labs and IVs (semi successfully). At least I was able to convince them to do a ferritin test, which was overlooked on my last labs.

The plan changed a little and instead of going along with plan A which was to drain the seroma and see if it would fill up again (gee, yah THINK?), this doc put in a wire catheter and another jp drain. It looks different than the other TT drains and feels a little weird now after the fact. They gave me lidocaine putting it in and it didn't hurt a bit and I learned a new trick - if the doc pushes against the ribs at the same time s/he inserts the anesthetic needle, the push sensation overrides the needle pick and there is no pain. How cool is that?

Thanks for all of your help and support. I felt much better about the drain alternative than padding under the binder as a way to resolve the issue more permanently. They took about 280 ccs of fluid, which I am insisting on having cultured, as it wasn't clear at all, but the color of week-old tea and could harbor nasties. There was also some other crud that showed up on the ultrasound which is probably some old blood left over from round one, but which also bears checking out.

Speaking of checking out, that's what I'm about to do right now.

2008-12-04T16:39:00.000-08:00

My..my..my..my..my Seroma

Bleah. Back from the PS - who I like more and more each time we meet. After a brief discussion of Haida folk art and good mechanics, she checked out the swelling on my abdomen, which is about the size of a grapefruit (sound familiar?). Both the good and bad news is that it is a seroma - it's not a new hernia although it is the same size and close to where the old hernia was. It also doesn't jump when I sneeze or laugh like the hernia did. She was pretty bummed - and the hospital had not bothered to call her and tell her that I reported this development to them over 9 days ago.
Really, really poor communication.

So, what's to be done? The sucker has to be drained. She'll do this with help of an ultra-sound to exactly pinpoint the bursa and then drain it with a needle. I am SO not excited about this. The last time I had anything aspirated it was my knee, there was nearly a liter of fluid involved and no anesthetic. This won't be as big a deal at all - apparently it's not painful to have it drained - but I'm still not looking forward to it. I asked if it would eventually reabsorb, but there are other issues at play when it is this large and the recommendation is to have the fluid removed and then use something to keep extra pressure on the area so it doesn't fill up again. Truly, nature abhors a vacuum.

On the very good side, the healing is coming along very nicely. I'm still to wear the binder for another 3 weeks at least, which is no chore as it feels good. One scar is slightly higher than the other, but it all looks really lovely and the left side incision doesn't even have any scabbing - just new skin. Next week I can start to use Vit E cream on that new skin. Drains stay in at least until next week - perhaps to come out when the ultrasound is done. Told to stay the course with the antibiotics and the pain killers. "You've had some very major surgeries here," I was reminded. Urk.

2008-12-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

Further Thoughts

Having said all that I have above, and even throwing in a touch of the post-surgery blues and wishing someone had told me about the temporary loss of appetite, I would still vote for having the surgery again. Not having to worry about those horrible gastric attacks, complete with writhing pain and projectile vomiting, is huge, as is the smell reduction. Also, my PS's work is really, really good. When I had my first surgery, I really had a hard time looking at the incision areas without feeling sick to my stomach. Maybe I've just toughened up a bit, but these look so good, even at 2.5 weeks out, it's amazing, even though they are really extensive - from hip to hip and nearly up to my breastbone. The size loss is noticeable, nice, but a secondary consideration for me right now. I'll probably feel differently about that at some point.

Timing is everything. Job situation aside, I chose not to have my surgery in the summer, mostly as I didn't want to be sweaty and have even more skin issues if I had to wear a binder all the time. Actually, I run so cold now that this wouldn't really have been an issue. But I am an enthusiastic supporter of those cheap fruit of the loom men's XXL wife beater style singlets. You want them a lot longer than you'd think. I wear one all the time under the binder and haven't had any discomfort from the binder itself due to chafing, etc. Often, I'm quite sensitive to this, so it's a big plus! The binder itself, despite being large and requiring two people to get tight enough to do its job, is comfortable and comforting - except where it presses on the drain points.

Loose clothing, including a non-binding nightgown, long enough to keep my calves warm, and hospital or granny-type underwear have been great, if seriously unattractive except to the most fetischistic. I've had no restrictions from my surgeons on showers, which is apparently not the case for all docs, and that has been a major plus, in terms of keeping clean, sane and somewhat presentable. I have no problem wearing a bra, which I wasn't sure about when I had the surgery. I have heard that some women pin their drains to their bras under their arms when wearing more formal or tight-fitting clothing. Um, not so sure how that would work. My drains are the size of smallish goose-eggs - I'd look like I was going the springer spaniel look if I stuck them up near the bust. Most of the time I keep them pinned to the front of the binder - hence the need for loose shirts.

2008-12-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

Still Here - Getting Better... Slowly

My friend Margie reminded me the other day that one of my bigger strengths is how patient I am with other people. What she neglected to say - or didn't remember - is how impatient I can be with myself. I want to be better. Now. I want to be able to be up for more than two hours without needing a nap and off of pain meds without feeling like someone kicked me in the kishkes.
It would also be great to have an appetite, but I'm willing to compromise on that point.

Tomorrow will be my first follow-up with the surgeon and I will hopefully know more about what's going on with my drains - which are disgusting, but in a normal sort of way. By the way, if you are ever looking for a good test of whether someone would be a reliable partner, consider their reaction to your request to help you strip your drains. The stuff in that tubing is not pretty, I'm telling you. I'm still on antibiotics, a smaller amount of pain medication (I keep trying to figure out the lowest amount I can use) and hoping that this big pocket on my stomach is not a seroma. I'm seriously wishing it was three weeks from now. Seriously.

But the work is beautiful and I haven't had a single stinky fart since surgery. That alone is (almost) worth the price of admission.

2008-11-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hernia-less and Panni-Free

Thanks to all of you who have been keeping up with me on the hernia repair/TT adventure. Well, it was a strange trip indeed. Once they got in to repair the hernia and sent a bit of the tissue to the lab it turned out that there was indeed necrosis there and the blockage was more significant than they had thought. This would explain why I was feeling so awful when I'd get temporary blockages. I wish the various docs would have taken it more seriously at the time - it's not a great idea wandering around with necrotic tissue in your bowels.

They removed over 7 lbs of skin and fat. Although I will endeavor not to do it again, I couldn't resist the urge to get on a scale I ran across on one of my 4 am rambles. Lo and behold, I was 11 lbs less than before I went into surgery. I was absolutely amazed and having considered this as a one-time gift from the scale fairy, I do not plan to get on a scale again until i start swimming again. The docs all commented how tight my abs were prior to the surgery and what good condition my skin was in. I really think that regular swimming helped me a great deal.

Now for the really good news - I'm home. A slight infection had them keep me in hospital for about a week. I've been feeling fine now that the meds are adjusted. By day 4 after the surgery I was walking up and down 4 flights of stairs and on day 6 I was able to walk 7 flights to the Xray lab in the basement. My stitches should be entered into the state fair - they are that small and neat. Docs were coming from all over the university to admire my PS's work. She went all the way up to near the sternum and then far back up on the hips, ending in a little "c". She also did some cosmetic work on the mons - and I don't think I've looked this good above or below the bikini line since I was 11!

I did lose my belly button, so I'll just have to explain that I'm not Eve or an angel. I think I can handle it. ;^)

I'm amazed at how tired I can get, how uninteresting food is and how little I remember of what I read - thanks, Mr. Morphine!. I sit in the recliner (outfitted with a twin-sized feather bed) during a lot of the day, but I have no problem sleeping in a normal bed. I'm usually a very dedicated side-sleeper, but I've been doing well on my back with my knees over a wedge pillow.

So, all in all, I'm doing very well and doing what I need to be doing which is focusing on getting better and doing very little. The pain isn't nearly as bad as I was worried that it would be. Thanks at least in part to the bromelaine I have had almost no bruising, aside from a patch the size of my palm on my right thigh. There is no pain from the bruise and it has faded quite quickly. Oddly enough, I actually struggle to get my binder as tight as I had it in the hospital. I'm not uncomfortable with it off or loose, I just am trying to keep it as tight as the PS showed me. They are a weird mixture between a blue and white 40's kitchen towel and a giant piece of velcro. I have no idea how one wears a bra with this thing and will hopefully be able to switch to a smaller model before I have to be seen in a public place where decorum trumps gravity.

2008-11-16T14:41:00.001-08:00

The big day is nearly upon me - clean out starts in 3 hrs (after a shiva call - cos there is only so much affliction a family can take!). I'm having the grapefruit-sized hernia repaired and, if I've got this straight, an inverted T PS. Technically, it's a panniculectomy, but there is some additional work we've negotiated.

Apparently it's classified information how long I'll be in the hospital. "At least 2 nights" seems to be the general theme. I'm moderately nervous, mostly about the potential pain/sleeping and not being at work. Yeah, I have the leave, but I actually love what I do.. which is a good place to be.

Anybody have any idea if this kind of surgery makes it easier/harder to lose weight after? I've been stable - aside from the menstrual swing - for about 7 mos. I'm not worried - just curious.

2008-11-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Two Years Out

Hard to believe, but yesterday was my two-year surgiversary. I'd be less than truthful if I said that I never thought about my surgery; it colors my eating every day and is the sole factor in my upcoming surgery. But I would also be lying if I said that the DS surgery wasn't one of the best things I'd ever done in my life. The quality of my life is amazing - and my outsides mostly match my insides.

One of the odder things about my situation now is that most people have no idea that I was ever morbidly obese. Even when I show them pictures - they don't think it's me. I look that different. Strangely enough, I look more like I did in 1985 than I did in 1995. It's as though there were a 20 year hiatus and now I'm back to looking like I did before (even though I weighed about 70 lbs more in the 80's). Very strange.

So my next surgical odyssey begins on 17 Nov and I'll have 5 weeks of leave to recover. Bless the federal government - I'd never get advanced this much leave in the private sector, having only worked such a short time. My choice was absolutely hasgacha pratis - I'm so very, very grateful.

I've been lousy at blogging - or even keeping up with other's blogs - as I've been constantly on the road for the past month (or so it seems). The good thing about recuperation is that I should have time to be a better correspondent - once I can sit up again.

2008-09-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

Service and Racism

I really believe that you have to serve wherever you are - part of your job is to figure out how to carry that out, also in the workplace. Part of my personal job description is figuring out how to do that. Sometimes it's as simple as choosing to be in good humor most of the time, remembering people's names and personalia and working hard at whatever needs doing with a positive attitude.

Other times, it's a lot harder. Service, for me, is living your values, even when they don't fit in well with the stated or unstated standard corporate agenda. Granted, you have to pick your battles - not least, so that you'll be around to fight another day for what is right - and you have to pick your methods. A big issue for me is discrimination - in this case, the institutional removal of people's right to try and succeed. Sometimes I can't believe I'm living in the 21st century, like when a colleague tells me that we don't test schools that are populated by group X because "they can't pass the test". Oh, and "it's waste of time to even go to their colleges". Honestly, you have to hear a lot of things before your ears drop off. I couldn't believe that this person was _saying_ this to me. Fortunately, she's not in my chain of command, so she could just run off at the face. The next day, I went and spoke with someone who actually works with the population, we hit it off immediately and she hooked me up with the information I needed and promised to make connections. Service also means not letting idiots' roadblocks get in the way of doing what is right. "Service", for me, is a very active verb.

This post by Mary Mitchell about white privilege has been making the rounds, but it's definitely worth reading. The funny thing is, the person who made this comment about selected minority group, would have been unlikely to make it about, say African-Americans. I can't even imagine the remark about not visiting historically Black colleges because "they couldn't pass the test and have too many moral issues". Just wouldn't happen - and not just because our EEO is African-American.

At least it's a case of truth in advertising: I made it very explicit in my interview that I had a commitment to inclusion of minorities and outreach to schools with large minority populations a personal focus. As we move towards the close of the Jewish year and we go through our deeds and misdeeds, resolving to do better in the coming year, it's a goal of mine to continue to try and live up to the idea - and ideal - of service.

2008-09-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Omnivore's Husband

Which is how I originally read this title, which should have been "The Omnivore's Hundred". Here's the deal:

Here’s the deal:

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out -or ital - any items that you would never consider eating.

The Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

I was surprised how many of the things I tried. Kaolin has been part of an anti-diarrhea medicine my grandmother once gave me, but wasn't sure if that counted. Note: most of these things were eaten without regard to kashrut and should in no way be construed as kosher - or necessarily delicious. I'd add "bear", "crayfish", "opossum", "raccoon", squirrel", "vorschmack' - a hash of lamb and other stuff with cream, "beestings", "rotten shark", "surströmming/fermented herring", "surkorv" - fermented sausage, "yak butter tea" - 'nuf said, "boiled baby" - a kind of cooked milk pudding, "memma/mämmi" - a malt/rye pudding, "kalakukko" - a kind of smelt pirog, "leverlåda" "maksalaatikko" - a Finnish liver pudding with liver, rice, molasses and raisins (a staple of school fare in Finland when I was a kid), "får i kål" - mutton and cabbage stew, "fennalår" - wind-dried leg of mutton, eaten with a knife, "rømmegrøt" - sour cream porridge cooked until the fat separates and eaten with butter, "lutfisk/lutefisk" - dried cod reconstituted with lye and eaten with either cream sauce or melted fat and stewed, dried peas", "ptcha" - jellied calf's foot, and "berzu sula" - foaming birch sap to the list of adventurous eats I've known and survived. Thanks to Elastic Waist and to Very Good Taste for their Brit-influenced list!

2008-09-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

A Brief Update

So, I leave work for the last time on the Thursday before Labor Day, thinking that I'll start a new job as an adjudicator for the VA the following Tuesday. It felt ok - a bit too much screenwork, and a nightmarish 6-8 weeks of obligatory training - but it was a good trajectory in a growing agency.

Then I got The Call. Long story short: the Department of Defense picked me up for a job in my area of expertise, I EOD'ed on Sunday and started work the following Tuesday. Since then I've logged 110 hours and over 1000 miles. My geographic area of responsibility is over 3,600 square miles and from north to south as far as Miami is from New York City. Yowza. Oh, and the pay is about 12k more than the VA and over 20k more than I was making in my previous gov't gig. Maybe we will be able to get a new furnace this winter...

It's challenging, exhausting and very stimulating. There's lots of admin stuff - and (in theory) a 50% person to help me out with the computer work - but there's also a big outreach and research element. I'm working in my old building, so the commute is a snap and they've given me my own car for the 2+ days every week that I'm out of the office. I've also survived my first inspection and turned down a job offer from a former vice president of the United States. But that's a _way_ 'nother story.

In sum: I'm alive, employed, I feel fine, my weight is stable, but sizes still going down (now a 34 bra, for instance). Another great thing about this job is that I don't have to worry about having my surgery postponed any longer as I can take up to a month of sick leave in advance. Actually, at this rate of work, I may earn enough comp time to cover our holidays AND any recovery time. Only medical uncertainty: I got a letter last week telling me my PCP has moved on, so I have to search out another one who will be supportive of me and my healthcare choices. Like I have time for this... but it's a priority, so I'll have to make time.

I'm also continuing my One Woman Salute To Ebay, having bought a sheep's worth of wool suits, pants and boiled wool jackets. A person would think I live in a place with winter, or something? I'm also very happy about the above flats, although I wanted them in brown, but they didn't have my size. Warning: they run small in the toe box - but they fit well in the heel.

2008-08-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

It Never Rains, But It Pours
It's been a busy week - and it's only Monday. I got into work and the red light on my phone was glowing from the back of my desk. It was the lady from the Other Fort, returning my call from last week. Our phone conversation was pleasant, but fruitless. In fact, it sounded like there was little likelihood that I would be "reached" - as they say in the gov't HR biz - to get the job I'd been waiting for since the end of June.

Well, nevermind cos here, a week later, I just got the news that I'm being hired as an education specialist by the DoD. It's been a very weird ride and it meant that I had to decline a good - but not as good - position at the VA. The super news is that my favorite workmate got a call for that VA position this very afternoon. Related to my declining this morning? Who knows, but I certainly hope so! He deserves it.

My colleagues were great about sending me off. We did lunch at IKEA - a first for my unit and for several of my workmates who had never set foot in the store. Actually, both of those folks were planning major kitchen overhauls and were mightily impressed by the options, quality and price. That was pretty cool. I have to say that I really have enjoyed working with 99% of the people in the center and sectors- they are just good, kind, hardworking folks. And I've left on a high note; more than one supervisor said to me that they would welcome me back at a higher grade. Leaving my position for a full-time federal position is considered the only logical move to the fed mindset. It was that reason I accepted a GS 4 initially - even though it would mean a cut in pay of about 1/3. Now, however, I am relieved and happy that I was offered a position that is 2/3 more than I was making at my old job - and I am able to use my education as well.

One of the biggest worries that I had is that the VA job started with six weeks of training - possibly extended to eight weeks. That would conflict with the Jewish holiday season, and I've never worked on the holidays. However, I had understood that there was no possibility of leave during the training time. This was a big source of tsuris for me. But I am very grateful that the problem was solved - no doubt with help from Above.

It's all around good news...

2008-08-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

Surgery Rescheduled

So, I got a bit freaked out when I realized that I was scheduled for six weeks of mandatory training for my new job and that I didn't know when the new date for my surgery was. I got even more anxious when the person I talked to in HR said that the six weeks was only the average time and it could take up to eight weeks before the training was over. I'm feeling, thank G-d, much, much better, but not 100% and my stomach was majorly funky the other day. Now, not because of the utter CRAP I'd eaten, mind you. No, that couldn't possibly be it. But I digress...

So I was utterly relieved when Carole the surgical coordinator came back with the date of 17 November. That's 10 weeks after I begin and should have me quite in the clear. I'm hoping that my insurance letter holds that long - authorization was good through some time in November, if memory serves- but I will send a note to my surgeon's office next month to be sure. This gives me a chance to get my other levels in order, especially my red blood counts. And I think I'll feel better about the healing process if I don't feel stressed to be up and fully ready for 9 hour training days after two weeks.

I'm also happy that this will take place in a cooler time of year. My skin tends to be funkier in the summer with rashes, etc. It will be more pleasant to have to wear a binder when it's not blistering hot or desperately humid. I've already got the long sleeveless tshirts...

2008-08-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

I just got some lab news back today - I'm 22 mos out, for those of you keeping score at home - and the really good news is that my Vitamin D levels are finally in the middle of normal - 49 (32-100). I'm really pleased: I've been supplmenting with 50000 mg of Vitamin D. Note that this is _not_ Dry D, but plain ol' oily D, prescribed by my physician. This keeps it reasonable for me as my co-pays are small.

I'm not so thrilled about my HGB - although the good news is that it's trending upwards. I can't take oral iron as it makes me utterly nauseous - this seems to be a family intolerance, as both of my maternal grandparents had huge issues with iron. It's also low enough to make me put the surgery on hold, although it is trending slightly upwards. Should be good to go if I keep up with the red meat regimen.

Still no word from the Other Agency, except that they officially can't say anything one way or another. Co-workers who have worked for Other Agency say this is coming attractions - hurry up and wait, inadequate communication, etc. We'll see. The starting wage would be 20k more than where I'm at now, so that is compelling. More as it happens...

2008-08-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

Organizing

You can take the girl out of the organization, but not the organization out of the girl. True to this edict, I helped to organize a contractor's meeting at my workplace. Most of the contractors - almost all women or minority men - have a hard time getting out of their go-nowhere jobs into the federal sector. In part, this is due to the non-promoting structure of our organization, whereby it's very difficult to get ahead if you aren't extremely aggressive, very well educated, or someone's favorite. Of course, none of this is official - it's all "merit promotion all 'round" were you to ask. However, it looks quite a bit different in gen pop cube land.

So what does this have to do with me, you might ask? You got yours (in record time), so what is your worry? Well, it's not right. That's reason enough. Add to this that the system discriminates especially against less-educated women and you've got me locked in. Perhaps because of - or in spite of - my own experiences with education, I firmly believe that adding education and skills is the surest way to get ahead, even if it means having to move out into larger, less charted waters. And many of my fellow workers are ready and eager to take the plunge - but they need a bit of help.

It's not enough to have the skills and experience: today a person has to be able to market herself by talking about what she brings to a new job through the media she has, in this case, a federal resume. As I've said before, the federal resume is a different dog than the one commonly associated with job-seeking in "the real world". Where brevity is prized in corporate America, bumf is the order of the day in the public sector. A self-respecting fed resume averages 8-9 pages. Everything that you could possibly have done and which could be considered meritorious (reflecting experience and competency) must be listed, and, preferably quantified.

This takes some re-thinking and some training and this is where I come in. In addition to asking our supervisor to provide some lunch-time brown-bag teaching/learning opportunities on resumes, interviews and life-long learning (to which he was commendably amenable, might I add ) , I'm taking the bull by the horns and starting a teach-in at lunch on Monday, tentatively titled: "CV Makeover or 'Does The Resumé Make My Butt Look Big?'" (this group is all women). I've got "before" examples from a couple of the women and I'm going to re-write their present job duties to match a current job opening which many of them will seek next week. Basically, I put it out there from my perspective. What they do with it is their choice, but hopefully they get not only a different take on their resumes and experience, but we also get to learn from each other. Wish us luck!

2008-08-07T19:05:00.001-07:00

Now "Dr. *S*"

The news is good: on my b-day my dissertation was accepted at Cal. It was a huge moment and one that would not have come to pass without hard work not only on my part, but also from my DH and my dear friend Sara. Sarita actually took the paper around, got the signatures and handed it in. I'm in utter debt. It was in every way a memorable birthday.

The selfsame day, I also got a nice job offer from another Federal agency. It wasn't my first choice, but it will definitely work. The only drawback is that it would start just after Labor Day and my surgery is scheduled for 2 weeks before. This is not the only complication pre-surgery: I got my period about 10 days ago and nearly passed out. I've never had that reaction to my period and suspect that my hemoglobin is low. It's been on the lowish side before - trending a bit downward. If the blood isn't doing a great job of carrying the oxygen without the stress of surgery, being cut into isn't going to help things. In the "why guess when we can know" spirit, I finally dragged by butt into the lab to have the 8 vials of blood drawn. I'll know more soon.

So I'm playing a bit of the waiting game: waiting to hear on the tests, waiting to hear on the other job (which would enable me to schedule the surgery without having to factor in 6 weeks of training), waiting to see when I'll be able to give notice officially, waiting for the official paper saying that I have my doctorate. But all good things come to she who waits, I'm told...

2008-07-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

More Good News!

It appears as though Deluzy was spot on: I've just gotten confirmation that all three of my readers are ready to sign off on my dissertation - and with nice words, yet! "Terrific dissertation" "It's great!" "A fine work of love." Hmm. I'm not quite so sure about the last one, but since it comes with an offer of signing off on the dissertation - I'll take it!

Our friend Sarita has kindly promised to take the dissertation around on Thursday and even, if we can get the super-specific-special dissertation paper - get it delivered to Grad Division. Hold on to your hats, folks! This might even be accomplished before my birthday on Friday. What a gift _that_ would be!

2008-07-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

Still losing..

At least in the dress size department. I'm between a 14 - 12 now. 14 works best in suits - it's a crap shoot in blouses. I tried on a Christian Lacroix jacket in a 10-12 and it was snug, but fit. This after my all-time-record-of-donuts-consumed-in-a-24hr-period -- four (4) for those of you playing along at home. And it's right before my period. Go figure. I also wear an M - L in Eileen Fisher's new fall series - not like I'm shelling out for this, you understand. I actually buy quite a number of her clothes on Ebay - but my upper limit is $30 there. On a still brighter note, I've found a good shop for consigning my old EF woolens. I was considering schlepping them out to Cali to sell, but I can get at least as good a price here and it's just a few minutes from home.

Work continues to trundle along. Our new co-worker is coming along, tho we miss our colleague in officer's training school. I will surely miss these folks, even Eeyore, whose birthday was today. I surprised her with a small package of her favorite coffee and she was quite tickled. I like to shake her paradigm of "the world sucks and everyone is out to get me". Plus, it would have been my grandmother's 91st b-day, a"h. So it felt especially nice.

I also ran into someone I interviewed with about a month ago. Since I hadn't heard back from them, and no response being the new no, I figured they had found a better candidate and basically sucked at communication. Not so - at least on half of the communication. They were in HR hell - seems as though someone had filed an FOIA (Freedom of Information Act) on them about not having properly notified someone that they were no longer under consideration. Working in that area myself, I could sympathize. HR is nothing if not about detail. That part has been a great learning experience for me. I'm quite organized in how I approach things, but organizing my physical space has been more of a challenge. I've done quite well over these past seven months and I'm reasonably proud of myself for that.

There are so many nice people with whom I work. I'm just so fortunate. But I do tend to work hard to get along with people. For a while, I thought this might be some fat girl residual (soon to be the name an indie band). The more I thought of it, however, I realize that my grandfather, a"h, was quite the same way. All of his life, he went out of his way to be social and get along with people wherever he went. Even when his mind was going in his very last months, he was still quick to greet people and mind his pleases and thank yous. These behaviors were drilled into me from earliest childhood and I suspect that the same held true for him. I wonder how far back that training goes? Surely it stood pioneers and other rural folks in good stead: in those situations, you are all too aware that your very survival depends on the help and good will of others. We still do, I suppose.

2008-07-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

New Date

The double header is moved, yet again. This time we're scheduled for a Monday, thankfully. It's even after the diss is due, so that is a further blessing. Getting the two surgeons together in the same room at the same time is not even a minor miracle, but a quite major one.

And we no sooner return from one adventure, but we start another. We are now in Day Five of Houseguests-A-Go-Go. These are very dear friends and their very typical teen-aged daughters. It just amazes me how these young ladies can eat! But they are so much more mature and social even than last year.

The job search goes on with new positions to be applied for and another job interview tomorrow at another Federal agency. I've got mixed feelings about the job - but we'll see what I'm offered, if anything. The organization is considered one of the best to work for on the Fed side, so that's a plus. Another position that I interviewed well for is on hold, due to a lack of funds. So we take it one day at a time. I was bummed that one of my best buddies at work (on another team) has given her notice. She doesn't have another job lined up - she just feels this is a bad fit for her and needs to get out. That's either really brave or quite dangerous - I can't decide which.

Lunch tomorrow with my mentor. I was a bit nervous about it since last week, as I wasn't sure if there was an agenda - i.e. I'd messed up. Communication to the rescue -- I asked her directly about my performance and she said she is pleased with no complaints at all. What a relief! I'd also asked another colleague who takes over the next phase of the work and she said that I was doing a super job. I'm terrible with transposing numbers, especially if I get rattled. This job has been, among many other things, a great lesson in overcoming that issue and working on skills to support accuracy. I'll miss my crew a lot, although I feel quite certain that this job is not, ultimately, the best use of my abilities.

Stay tuned and Happy Bastille Day! I hope all of you can experience it in France at least once - the French do know how to celebrate. Next year marks the 220th anniversary of the French Declaration of the Rights of Man - a good time to be there.

2008-07-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

Breaking Great News!

My advisor has just sent in writing that my final revisions are in order along with my bib and that he's ready to sign off on my dissertation.

This is huge.

Wow.

2008-07-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Economies of Scale

Deluzy's and Ezpy's recent postings about weight and scales have gotten me to wondering how much fat we actually have on our bodies 18 months - 2 years after the DS? I'm not going in for underwater calibrations or anything involving pincers, but, looking at my body in the mirror, I wonder how much of this is skin, fat, muscle, etc. It also has me wondering about what is "normal" for over 40 women in terms of weight/shape/skin post DS. And why should I really care from a health perspective?

The scale is an ok, but inadequate, tool which has its own emotional baggage - scale as bludgeon sound familiar? BMI - well, it doesn't factor in different frame sizes, distribution of bone mass/muscle, shrinking height as we age, and our old friend skin. Which makes me wonder how they do the skinfold tests on us skinfolk, but that is another question. The latest hot calibration obsession du jour is waist circumference. This has been in the press quite a bit, sometimes as waist-hip ratio, and often in conjunction with risk of diabetes - something about which I personally no longer worry - and metabolic syndrome and cardio-vascular issues. However, if you know your statistical risk for getting these diseases is very low, what does that measurement tell me in terms of probable health outcomes? And why do I need a number? I know the data isn't there - yet - on my subset of the health universe. In that do these numbers legitimate, measure and predict, or justify for me and my kind?

Weight, diameter, and size were used by others around me on me and others of my previous size and/or gender, to determine where I/we fit in the hierarchies of health and of attractiveness. Based on those sizes and ratios, indirectly or directly, our access to various resources including, but not limited to, health care professionals, medicines, potential partners and decent fitting clothing, was determined. Generally speaking, those of us who came up with "less favorable" numbers - i.e. large digits - were offered fewer and poorer choices. Let it be said that I, personally, never let myself be limited to solely what was on offer, but that is a different rant... Not only were we given/marketed/sold worse and more limited options, we internalized those numbers as irrefutable, empirical evidence of our worth, as individuals and vis-a-vis others. Clearly, this still makes me mad.

Another part of the answer is that I still don't have a good sense of what "normal" is and where I fit into a range of normal sizes. Weights are harder for me to eyeball, because they look so different on different individuals. I do ok with a waist of 34" or about 84.5 cm. - something which I dread will become larger after surgery, before it becomes smaller after the removal of and 3-7 cm of skin. In terms of the literature, my size is still cause for concern - 80 cm is the cut off for most caucasian women, although there is another upper limit of 88 cm for what is alarmingly labeled "action level II". Again, I have to remind myself that this is based on people who have never had this kind of surgery, never had big honking rolls of skin hanging off them, etc.

Sometimes, being on the forefront means being in uncharted territory - "Pirate Jane", opines DH. Often, I'm cool with that, especially if I think I have a decent compass. Other times, I really, really want a medical GPS. Last week was one of those times.

Speaking of wilderness, we're off to far northern Wisconsin for a family reunion and back late in the week. A break from the heat, dissertation, surgery and job seeking stress, although I'll probably manage to pack a small satchel of worry just for the trip. Oy.

2008-06-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Top Fives

Someone over at Duodenalswitch.com asked what people's top five good, bad and ugly were post-DS. At almost 18 months out, here's my list:

My top five:

1. Knowing I won't die or become disabled from diabetes or its associated ills.
2. An increased likelihood of a longer, healthier life.
3. Being able to sit, stand, or walk wherever I want to go
4." Normal":Looking like normal people, buying normal sized clothes from normal (not specialty) shops, not scaring children, not having people ever know I looked anything other than the way I do now.
5. No more back, hip or foot pain from my weight.

The bad:

1. Abdominal issues - gas, bacteria and incisional hernia
2. Having the condition for which I needed to [B]invent[/B] the term "boob origami".
3. The thought and reality of other surgeries to deal with the hernia & skin nexus of ick.
4. Uncertainty if my body is actually _processing_ all of the protein, calcium, Vitamin D, etc. I'm pouring into it.
5. Iron deficiency

The Ugly:

1. "Creeping crepe" - you know it when you see it on your neck, arms, stomach, thighs - the snowdrifts of skin, wobblies.
2. Deeper lines and creases on my face.
3. When I get a gas attack I go absolutely grey - the color that goes with nothing, except a quick trip to the ladies.
4. The heartbreak of knobby knees - and associated bruises from sleeping with them digging into each other.
5. The smell factor. 'Nuf said.

It's been a bit of a rough week. I've still not heard if i can get my surgery changed, although my rabbi said, undoubtedly even more informed after having seen me get an "attack" at his house on Friday night, that in my case, because the surgery was unquestionably necessary, a Friday surgery would be permitted, if not encouraged. I'm worried about how much time I might be out of work and how I'll feel going back to work. I don't have any sick leave saved up and STD only kicks in day 21. Even at that point it's 60% of my wages - although no taxes are withheld. On the other hand, 60% of my current wages is only 10% less than what I was making prior to my promotion. I have to keep that in mind! I know that my health comes first, second and third, but, still, I worry about not pulling my (now significantly reduced) weight. Add to this that I will be out when I have to submit my diss - although my dear friend Sara has agreed to help me out with the walk-through should I not be able to do this myself. Dang. This is so _not_ the way I thought it would go. Add to this that we are having dear out of town guests who leave the day before my surgery and you get why I'm a big of a bundle. Time to put on my big girl undies and let go and let G-d. Oy.

2008-06-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

Plastics: Round II

I had my consult with Dr. Claire Buckley on Thursday and it was like night and day, compared to my interaction with Dr. Shitstain. She was direct, informative, helpful, sympathetic and pro-active. In short, she was the direct opposite of her colleague and I feel very positive about her being part of the surgical team. My latest stomach/bacterial attack, last week in New York, convinced me that I need to get this gut issue resolved sooner, rather than later.

Dr. Buckley explained that the repair that Dr. B will do on my hernia will tighten me up tighter than a normal tummy tuck and that she will do the top so that it matches the bottom in firmness. Normally, a panniculectomy would not tighten the muscles in the abdomen, but here the plication is done as part of the normal surgical procedure for hernia. She will also remove the excess fat and skin from the panni, raise the pubis (!) and she felt that she would be able to go far enough around my side and make little rounded cuts upward, so that I shouldn't have a problem with the dreaded "dog ears" - little flaps of skin over the hips that look like little fat lumps. They usually have to be removed in a later surgery, one that is often done on an outpatient basis.

And then there are the girls. Well, folks, I can truly say that I am a 36 extra long. From where my breasts start on my chest to the bottom of the nipple, we are talking 36 inches. Dr Claire says that if they get any longer, it would be difficult to do anything about them surgically, without risking (I am so not making this up) "nipple death". Yikes. On the positive side, they are only 13" on the underside. Complicating this is the shape of my chest (the thorax). I apparently have quite a "prominent chest", which enhances the" lemmings hurling themselves off of cliffs" impression that my mams give the unsuspecting observer. Unfortunately, according to the doc, breast reduction is not an option in my case: I don't have enough tissue left. Mastoplexy - or a breast lift - is the only choice - and it's not usual that the insurance would cover this, but she was willing to write a strong letter, given my history of skin issues. The bad news: while it theoretically could be done at the same time as the hernia repair, the reality is that the hernia repair and reconstruction will run almost 6 hours in surgery and they don't want to keep me under any longer than that. This was part of the selling point to my mind: a "twofer" as it were. I'll have to see what the insurance says

2008-06-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm Voting Republican

File under: Parody

2008-06-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

Same Crap, Different Season

It's baaack. That same stomach bug I had earlier this year. This time, it struck me down in the East Village while I was having lunch with my cousin. Fortunately, she was not only cool about it, but very helpful, and got us a cab back to the Westin where I'd been staying. Big kudos to Ms. Rebecca who canceled my check out and let me lay down for a few hours in my old room. It made a huge difference, and I was able to get myself out to JFK in one piece. Once in the plane, not so good. I stupidly thought I could only have an attack once a day. How wrong I was. Within an hour I was reduced to a huddled ball in the bathroom, where I ensconced myself in the lavatory for the next hour. It sucks to be sick while traveling. It sucks worse to be sick on a fully-packed plane, on a Sunday night, with an hour or so between pushback and take-off, and the plane reeking of diesel.

But the good news was that I was re-elected to the board, so I'll have another three years of regular visits to New York. I managed to hit my favorite bookstore (where I usually score some advance copies at a facile price) and my favorite bakery before I was so cruelly reduced. After a debacle with an unauthorized charge of some $950 to my credit card from my former home in New York, I was very pleased with the location and treatment I received at the Westin in Times Square. Not only was Rebecca a lifesaver, but after finding a man in the room which I'd been given the key to (thanks, but I'll bring my own), I was upgraded to a gorgeous corner room with a stunning view of Times Square and the Hudson River - and watching a major thunderstorm from the 34th floor was very memorable. Saving money in big city tip: ask your hotel if they can put a refrigerator in your room. It doesn't usually cost extra and can save a good deal of cash, especially on breakfasts.

I walked so much that I had blisters on blisters. This necessitated the first purchase of shoes outside of my discount haunt in over three years. But it was buy some new kicks or not be able to walk at all and Syms again did me right with a super 16 year old sales clerk and a pair of Rockport moccasins that I could walk right out and run up and down the subway stairs. I also scored a few other necessities - new underskirts (my latest fell off me on the escalator to the 4th floor), new panties (3 pair of Jockeys for $6) and three blouses, ranging in sizes from 14 petite to XL. Again with the size mishegoss. Go figure.

2008-06-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

Ten Reasons I Am Glad We Saw Obama in St. Paul on 3 June

It's surely not like I long for crowds. I hate, hate, hate large, swarming or milling groups of people and a group of 30,000 definitely qualifies. But these are some of the reasons why I'm glad that DH and I were there at the Excel Center this evening in St. Paul.

1. It was a hugely historic moment for my country. A year ago, people were just coming around to the idea that a black man _could_ be president of the United States. I got to see the moment an African-American got to lead a major party in a presidential election.

2. It was a major step for our city. The last time St. Paul was this important was arguably when another black man, Dred Scott, was trying to make the case that he was a human and a citizen - and trying to figure if he'd have to go back into that barrel, this time to Canada.

3. Ten years from now, if I said I was in St. Paul when Obama declared himself the Democratic nominee, I'd have to come up with a better excuse for why I wasn't there than that I'd just worked a ten hour day.

4. Binoculars. DH was initially skeptical about the necessity of bringing along "binos", but they made a huge difference. Through the lenses I could see the man closer than those standing 15 feet in front of him. I really felt like I "was there" - ringside.

5. The major sense I got from Obama was not of his charisma - which was present, although the tone of his presentation was more serious than celebratory - but of his integrity. I'd take integrity over charisma, any day.

6. I can fit in the seats and slid adeptly both into and out of my seat between the railing and the chair back. There is no way I would have considered attempting to do this at 400 lbs. Heck, I couldn't have stood the wait and several mile walk to get into the darn place.

7. The great diversity of people - age, race, gender. It was so cool to see so many Africans and Muslims there, particularly women. There was a major hijabi presence.

8. The excitement and politeness of the crowd. Not two great tastes that usually taste great together, but the preponderance of Minnesotans and Midwesterners assured that things happened in an orderly but enthusiastic manner.

9. I realized that my brother really does look like Barak Obama. Really.

10. I got to be present when one of the great rhetoricians of our decade said this:
"Because you believed that this year must be different than all the rest, because you chose to listen not to your doubts or your fears but to your greatest hopes and highest aspirations, tonight we mark the end of one historic journey with the beginning of another a journey that will bring a new and better day to America. Tonight, I can stand before you and say that I will be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States." See #1.

2008-06-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

File under "Rant": More on the Family

There are reasons that a person chooses to live 2000 miles from his or her family. The level of mishegoss in my DH's family is one of them. He has a wonderful sister, grandmother and father.

"Its taken me a couple of weeks to gather the energy to address some things that occurred when Mom was in the nursing home. These have been stressful times for all of us and I am trying to keep that in mind as I write this.

Mark and I have done our best through the years to take care of Mom and her needs. I have always tried to keep everyone in the loop if there were any health issues or other concerns, of which there have been many. Being involved in taking care of Mom has been extremely difficult for me at times, both physically and emotionally. I have had very little assistance from anyone else in the family. I know everyone has their reasons why they have not been more involved, but the end result is that M and I have carried this burden for a very long time, which I had hoped had afforded us some respect and trust. When Mom got sick this last time and went to the nursing home, I had no idea what the outcome would be, but it didn't look good. She was very weak and extremely dehydrated and hadn't been taking some other meds for probably months. I talked to her doctor and expressed our concerns about whether or not it was safe for her to live by herself at this point, since she isolates when she doesn't feel good and becomes more and more depressed, then doesn't eat or drink or take her meds. I also told him about the money concerns.. ...that she has enough to last another year or so and wondered what the options might be at the end of that time. He said that he thought a board and care might be the best thing because she would have people around her all the time, have someone administering her meds and provide the care she needed, as well as being more cost efficient. The determination of where she would live would be based on her strength level and was being monitored on a day-by-day basis. He wasn't sure where she would go and I wasn't sure where she would go. He did tell me to start looking at board and care homes to get an idea of what was out there and what we could afford. I told him that it would be difficult for her to move to a board and care situation and he said he would talk to her about it when he felt the time was right. The idea was not to upset her with this bit of information until we knew that was the direction we were headed and all our ducks were in a row.

When D, G and T came to visit at the nursing home, I told them this was the plan. I also said that it looked like wherever she went we would have to downsize her apartment and would probably be getting rid of some of her furniture and asked if they were interested in any of it (this part was premature of my part, so I apologize for that, but since I knew the job of cleaning out her apartment would fall on my shoulders, I was thinking ahead and trying to make the job a little easier). Several days later Mom told Mark and me that when Diana had made a second trip to visit her she had come because she thought Mom "had a right to know what they were planning to do."

I can't begin to tell you how upset, hurt and angry Mark and I both were. I felt like we had been accused of having some evil plan in place and were making decisions on our own that would hurt Mom. The inference was that we were not to be trusted and it was necessary to go behind our backs to "protect Mom."" If anyone in the family had questions or concerns, you could have talked to us about them or talked to Mom's doctor directly. There was a reason we were not telling her at that point—so that she didn't have to worry unnecessarily. What Mom wanted (to go back to her old apartment) was not the safest or sanest thing to do and would have involved hiring a caregiver, which would have burned through her money faster. There were many factors we were all trying to work through to figure this out—to find the best solution to a myriad of problems—at an extremely stressful time. As it turns out. Mom did get better and Scott was able to figure out a way for her to go back to F and still get the care she currently needs. As her money runs out we will be faced with other decisions, but for now she is happy to be back at F and I'm glad she didn't have to go to a board and care. As for me, I'm left with a feeling of disrespect and betrayal by my family—that I am somehow not to be trusted. I am working through this and will get past it, but for now I have a bitter taste in my mouth.

The next time (and there will be a next time) something like this happens, perhaps one of you would like to come and spearhead the operation. Because I am tired. I have asked for help from Scott and Mark and their families and they have been good enough to show up to help. Somewhere along the line I became THE ONE and I'm tired. Just because I live close doesn't mean it's easy for me—-and it's constant. It's dealing with Mom being mean, demanding and critical and listening to her gossip. Its trips to the emergency room and the doctor and cleaning up her messes. It's feeling guilty if I don't make sure she's happy and has everything she needs and is included in our lives and isn't lonely. Yes, I am resentful. I am resentful because you have a choice and I feel like I don't. You can choose when or if you want to come for a visit and how long you'll stay and then you get to go home and not come again for a year or two. I have done what I have done because it felt like the right thing and I feel like I have been taken advantage of. This is a huge family with lots of people in it. She is your mother or grandmother. There is some responsibility here for all of you, not just me.

I spent the better part of a week cleaning out her apartment, so please do not send any more clothes, jewelry, music, books or anything else. She has everything she needs and if she needs something I'm sure she'll let one of us know. What you can do is call the front desk at Fairwinds and they can create a gift certificate in any amount that she can use to get her hair or nails done or go on an outing. I think she'd appreciate that more than anything else.

B

Our response:

Looking at Aunt B's letter, it's a study in delusion. What she tried to do to her mother and our grandmother is wrong, cruel and illegal. Grandmother was never in such a mental state that she needed - or relinquished - her decision-making rights. She was physically weak, but, again, hardly terminal. B is trying to whitewash her own appalling behavior vis-a-vis her mother, whom she both dislikes and resents (two separate issues). B has a great deal invested in being the long-suffering victim/martyr and this is just the latest chapter in the snooze-inducing saga.

What D & DH did was correct, loving and the only acceptable choice. They basically, from my perspective, saved grandma from a miserable existence through exile with the living dead in some urine-reeking elderly storage facility. Grandma said as much today to DH: "If you and your sister hadn't been brave enough to tell me what was going on, you would have been going to my funeral [heaven forfend] in six months. Bottom line: what her grandkids did worked, met their grandmother's needs in a constructive, sensitive way and Bobbie was caught with her hand in the manipulative cookie jar. And she *really* doesn't like it, cos, to her mind, the victim can never be the abuser. That is what B and Co. were perpetrating: elder abuse. It's an ugly term, but there you have it. D & DH effectively rescued their grandmother For this, they deserve all of our thanks, not the insolent, whiny, bitch-out that is the basic message of Bobbie's stunningly non-introspective, guilt shuck-and-jive.

No matter how much Bobbie has put into this over the years, alone and with the help of others, that doesn't grant her a special "abuse your mother" or "settle old scores once your mother is infirm" card. She was, in fact, the one to insist that her mother come and live by her, not the other way round. What she does not want to accept is that the other side of people besides her being active in Grandma L's care is that B is accountable to others for her decisions and will not be given carte blanche to do as she alone sees fit. B basically wants people to help out (which is quite all right and normal - she has done all of the heavy lifting vis a vis her mother with little help from her sibs, especially her sisters), but she wants her family to help out on B's terms, only after B's own emotional needs have been met. And that will never happen: this woman is a bottomless basket in that regard. She was expecting everyone to give her lots of praise for all of her tireless, wonderful care-taking and for it to be some kind of celebration of her years of selfless martyrdom. When she realized that this kind of buy-in would mean that others would expect input into major decisions, she freaked out. She fully expected to be able to make unilateral decisions about grandmother without any input from grandmother or anyone else and have others help her to carry out or at least support those decisions. Where there was the possibility that this wouldn't happen -- she just didn't bother to let those people know the decisions had been made.

Fortunately, Grandma is now back in the place where she has friends, in a smaller unit, but still where she herself chooses to be. And there is nothing wrong with her memory or head for numbers: she discovered a discrepancy in the sum stated in the rental contract she was expected to sign. She remembered that the number wasn't as had been discussed before, but when she called to confirm this with her "money man" - her son S, he barked at her that she was on the wrong meds, "bipolar" and shouldn't keep "causing trouble". Grandmother, not used to being spoken to in such terms, thanked him and hung up. Turns out, she was right about the contract being wrong; it was a clerical error that would have cost her a serious chunk of change, had she not caught the mistake in time. Somehow her son is perceiving a "breakdown in judgement" -- probably through the filter of Aunt B.

2008-05-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

Plastic Update

First, let me say that I am probably the least excited person about plastic surgery... Were it not for having Harry the Havoc-wreaking Hernia to contend with here, I doubt that I would be thinking about this kind of surgery at all. I'm hoping to put this off until fall, when I'll have more sick leave built up, won't have to try to have my poor skin try and heal at the hottest time of the year, etc.. The only reason I had my consult with the Shitty PS Doc in March, was because the pain was truly abysmal, and I was afraid that if I had to have emergency surgery for the hernia, I wouldn't be able to have the reconstructive stomach work covered by insurance. So, I went to see Dr. Shit while waiting for his Competent Colleague to see me in mid June. Low and behold, I get a letter in the mail, informing me that I had been scheduled for PS and the hernia repair surgery with the nudnik on 27 June (a Friday, yet) and my other consult "bumped" (read: cancelled) until, uh, maybe mid October?

I was amazed and furious.Not ever being a gal to take things lying down, I sent an email to Dr. Competent, asking that she and Dr. Hernia do my surgeries, reschedule and gave a brief, factual rundown of why I didn't want Dr. Shit anywhere near my body with a sharp object. The email went something like this:

"I am writing to see if you both can schedule an incisional hernia repair surgery and a reconstruction on X date and if I can schedule a pre-surgical consultation with Dr. Gut prior to this date. I am currently scheduled to have this surgery with Dr. Gut and Dr. Shit, on the above date, but I am not at all comfortable having Dr. Shit perform the plastic segment of the surgery.

At Dr. Gut's suggestion, I had originally planned to have Dr. Competent perform the surgery. Given her busy schedule, the earliest appointment for a consultation was 12 June. However, an attack of acute gastric distress in March made me accept an earlier appointment with Dr. Shit. My meeting with him was not satisfactory. He did not respect my wishes to have a consultation without another resident (male) present, he did not listen respectfully to my questions, could not answer my questions about appropriate options for resolution of post-surgical pain, and, most disturbingly, he stated that he was basing his surgical recommendations on "what your insurance will pay for." Accordingly, I am not sure if a panniculectomy or an abdominoplasty is the more appropriate procedure for me, given my hernia, medical history, long-term goals, etc. I do not want Dr. Shit involved with my surgery.

Calling to confirm my appointment with Dr. Competent, I found out that my appointment had been "bumped" without me being informed of this change and that the earliest appointment with Her is in October. I am concerned that if the date X works for both of you, there would be no time for a pre-surgical consultation, nor time for the insurance to reissue the approval with Dr. Competent instead of Dr. Shit.

I am not set on the above surgical date [which was on a Friday, for frikk's sake - never a good day for surgery in terms of continuity of care] and am more than willing to find another date or time that would work better for both of you, given your very full schedules."

Long story short: I got an email back from Dr. Competent that very evening, apologizing for the bump, etc. and have a consult set up with her mid June and I'm hoping for a late Oct/Nov surgery. Insurance approved a panniculectomy without any additional documentation, but, having read more about the pros and cons of both procedures, I'm going to ask about a muscle tightening, given the size of the hernia repair that needs to be done (think: Texas) and see if I can get a boob lift. Vanity?
Nope, I'm sick of the skin rashes and tearing that I've had in the past. I'm told that this is not only a condition that doesn't improve, but actually gets worse. Just what I need...

2008-05-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

More Size Strangeness

A group of us were discussing changes in sizes over time in our water aerobics class. The consensus was that sizes ran much smaller when we were kids, some 30-50 years back. One woman talked about her "size 16" scout uniform which would barely fit a size 8 girl today. I had something of the same experience trying on some old skirts from, well, when I started college, let's say. The label said "18" but the size was identical to two "size 14" skirts I have today. Ditto an old Pendelton kilt which says "14" but is something between a "12" and a "10" in the waist and yoke.

This in mind, we stopped at Target this evening where fitted cotton shells were on sale for $8. I thought that the XL looked ok, but on second thought, the XXL might work better. I need to trust myself: upon trying the shirts on at home, the XL fit exactly right through the bust and stomach - a bit loose in the waist, but this is the story of my fashion life these days, and I'm not complaining.

Here's another bit of oddity: the scale shows that pre-menstrual bloat brings me up 10 lbs from last week. But my waist is 1/4 inch smaller than last week. Pictures of me look thinner than two weeks ago, when the scale said I weighed less. Very bizarre.

And one more thing: I got a thick packet in the mail today telling me that I was scheduled for plastic surgery AND my hernia repair with Dr. Chaudry and Dr. B on 27 June. Niiice. As if anyone asked me about _my_ availability or if I'd let Chaudry near anything with a pulse - answer: not on a dare. I'm happy that he played a constructive part in getting the surgery approved by the insurance. But, I'm takin' that sweet sheet and shopping it elsewhere.

2008-05-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

Butter is the New Cheese

One of the more liberating aspects of the DS is the ability to eat fat without fear of the massive calorie load; for many of us DSers, as little as 20% is absorbed. Well, I push it. I'm a big butter fan (something that runs in the family, I might add), but I'm also kind of picky about my butter. I've become even more sensitive to the taste since my surgery and butter that others rave about, e.g. small-batch Hope Butter, from the Hope Valley creamery, leaves me cold. The stuff is oily and insipid. I love the politics of the stuff - local, small-batch, organic - but hate the taste.

This dislike got me into a passionate conversation with local chef and eat-local-guru Lenny Russo and we hatched up the idea of having a butter tasting, ala the French Laundry in Sonoma. Tonight was the night for Lenny and six other butter hounds to get our cream on. He kindly opened his restaurant just for us, and we tasted four wonderful artisan butters that I brought from Marin County: Clover's artisan butter, Clover organic, Strauss Family organic and artisan butter and an Italian ringer (all cultured and kosher, might I add). The Clover artisan and the Strauss Family were neck and neck, but I think that, despite the more pallid color, the Clover artisan was the best. They all have about 85 - 87% milk fat. Think: less water, more fat = more taste. You could eat it like cheese, really, no bread necessary, although Lenny supplied us with freshly baked rye rolls.

We also had a great time talking about organic farming, poultry, forced collectivization and, not least, cows. If you have spent enough time around bovines and dairies, you can tell what kind of cow gave the milk and, often, what the cow has eaten. Lenny did a respectable job of identifying the type of cow that produced the favorite butter of the evening -- a trick question, as there were actually two breeds, guernsey and jersey. Turns out he's a huge cultured butter fan as well for the same reasons - the tang, the nuttiness and the fact that you can keep it room temperature for way longer than it will last without it going rancid. Warning: once you get used to the taste, it's hard to go back to sweet cream butter.

2008-04-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

60 Minutes on the Duodenal Switch

I wasn't able to catch this myself, but here is the text from last Sunday's segment featuring the coverage on the DS. It is important to note that they are discussing the DS exclusively - even though the broader term "gastric bypass" is being used. The part about cancer is very interesting - although the opinion of one researcher does not a body of evidence make. Still, it's interesting and compelling.

The Bypass Effect On Diabetes, Cancer
April 20, 2008
(CBS) It's pretty well known to doctors that the most successful treatment for obesity is surgery, especially the gastric bypass operation. But here's something the medical world is just realizing: that the gastric bypass operation has other even more dramatic effects. It can force type 2 diabetes into almost instant remission and it appears to reduce the risk of cancer.

Surgeons have been performing bariatric, or weight loss operations since the 1950s, but they're much safer than they used to be. They're typically done laparoscopically now, where doctors use tiny surgical tools and video cameras instead of making big, deep incisions.

Despite the increase in obesity, only a small number of people have had the gastric bypass operation.

Correspondent Lesley Stahl met some people who were once morbidly obese.

There was Tony Sideman, who underwent surgery in April 2007 and has lost 140 pounds; there was Janet Rovak, who lost 90 pounds in the eight months since her surgery; and there was Travis Goodbou, who lost 260 pounds in the seven months since he underwent the operation.

Dr. Neil Hutcher from Richmond, Va. has performed more than 3,000 bypass surgeries. Asked how many people gain the weight back, Dr. Hutcher tells Stahl, "You know I think when you’re dealing with an incurable disease that kills many people, if you have an 85 to 90 percent success rate, that’s pretty darn good."

"Is that what you have?" Stahl asks.

"Yeah," Hutcher says.

There's no diet, no exercise regimen, and no pill with a success rate like that. These patients lose a ton of weight and keep it off.

Here's how Hutcher does the surgery: first, he sections off a small pouch of the upper part of the stomach, which is then attached to a lower part of the small intestine, bypassing most of the stomach, so that there's not a lot of room for food.

It used to be that roughly one in 100 people died from this operation. Hutcher says it's now about one in 1,000, which makes it less deadly than most major surgeries.

"It's less than gall bladder surgery. It's about one-tenth of cardiac surgery," he explains.

It's safer because of new surgical techniques which have also made it more effective. For instance, they can make the stomach pouch smaller than they used to.

"Even if I wanted to eat a whole cheesecake, my stomach is very tiny. It holds four ounces max, stretched to the max. And that's not even one piece of cheesecake," a female patient explained.

A big reason the operation works is because it seems to suppress appetite. "If you listen to your patients, they come back and they say, 'Doctor, you put the fire out,'" Hutcher says.

"When you see a sign for fast food or…she's already shaking her head at me," Stahl asked a patient.

"Don't want it," the female patient replied. "I used to crave sweets all the time. I couldn't go past the gift shop at work without getting a candy bar. Now I go past it and I never give it a thought."

Paul Delios of Saugus, Mass. has lost 90 pounds. He owns a doughnut shop with his siblings, but he's able to resist the cravings. "Before I'd have cravings for everything. Now I really don't," he told Stahl.

For most patients the cravings really do disappear. One theory is that's because the operation suppresses the levels of a stomach hormone called "grelin" that activates the sensation of hunger.

Yet most people who have this operation do not get skinny. Dr. David Cummings, an expert on appetite at the University of Washington, says as a rule these patients end up just one third lighter.

"Most people with severe obesity who undergo gastric bypass do not become fully normal, in terms of body weight. They go from severely obese to mildly obese, or from obese to overweight. But nevertheless it’s an enormous change," Dr. Cummings explains.

And not just in terms of weight loss. Dr. Hutcher says the operation itself can take type 2 diabetes - which has ballooned in this country - and throw it into complete remission.

The group of patients Stahl met say they all had diabetes before the operation; post-surgery, none have diabetes.

That means they no longer need sugar-control medication, like insulin injections.

One patient, Vicki, told Stahl she went from having eight or nine insulin shots a day to none, and that she's diabetes free - "cured" as she put it.

"Would you use the term 'cure diabetes?'" Stahl asks Dr. Hutcher.

"I think my patients are cured," he says.

"Cured?" Stahl asks.

"Well, they go home on no medication," he says. "And I've followed them now for 10 and 15 years, and see no evidence of recurrence. So, it's pretty darn close."

Studies confirm that about 80 percent of diabetics go into complete remission following the operation. Obesity is considered one of the major causes of type 2 diabetes, but here's something odd: when you have the gastric bypass operation, your diabetes goes away long before you lose the weight.

For Travis, the man who lost 260 pounds in seven months, it took "about a week and a half" before he was rid of diabetes and off all his medication.

Another male patient named Bill said it took him four days. "I went into the hospital on Friday, came home on Monday and dumped my pills," he told Stahl.

This spontaneous remission puzzled Italian surgeon Francesco Rubino, now at New York Presbyterian Weill Cornell Medical Center. "We wanted to know what is making diabetes remit. We thought it could have been something to do with the small bowel," Dr. Rubino says.

So he began performing the bypass on diabetic rats, and realized that when he disconnected the top of the small intestine, an area called the duodenum, the diabetes disappeared. Then, he reversed the operation.

When he reattached it, the diabetes came back.

This was a pivotal discovery. By merely blocking food from traveling through the duodenum, Rubino sent diabetes into remission, proving the effect was independent from weight loss. This meant diabetes could essentially be removed with a scalpel.

Dr. Rubino says this operation has been performed on humans.

60 Minutes joined him in Sao Paulo, Brazil, where clinical trials have begun on diabetics who are not obese, to determine if the "diabetes surgery" is safe and effective.

As of now, if you have diabetes and are not obese you can't have the bypass surgery. Under guidelines written by the National Institutes of Health 17 years ago in 1991, only the severely or morbidly obese are eligible for any bariatric operation. If you're just mildly obese, you can't get it.

"And a lot has changed since 1991," Dr. Hutcher remarks. "I would like to see them change their guidelines, especially for the diabetics. I think we have clear cut evidence that we can do terrific things for diabetes."

The NIH told 60 Minutes there's no plan to revise the guidelines, but they are currently studying the benefits and risks of bypass surgery.

Several existing studies point to one risk. "I've seen some studies that say that suicide rates go up among patients who have this operation. Now why would that be?" Stahl asks Dr. Hutcher.

"We're not sure," he says. "A lot of our patients are very depressed. When you lose weight, there's a period of euphoria and then there's a period of realization that maybe my depression wasn't related to pounds."

But in the meantime, the positive side effects continue to accumulate, like for sleep apnea disorder.

"Sleep apnea is one of the silent killers. That's where, at night, you literally suffocate. You stop breathing," Hutcher says.

Of the patients Stahl met, about half had had sleep apnea; after the surgery, none of them did.

That's because of the weight loss. Dr. Bruce Miller, a family doctor from Hopewell Va., has lost 120 pounds in three months.

"I've seen all my other problems improve as well," he says. "I don't take any blood pressure pills anymore. I don't take any cholesterol pills anymore as well as my diabetic medicine. I'm off all medicine."

In addition to the operation reducing hypertension and coronary artery disease, there appears to be an affect on cancer as well.

"Does being fat give you cancer?" Stahl asks Dr. Eugenia Calle, an epidemiologist at the American Cancer Society.

"Being overweight or obese increases the likelihood that you'll get several different types of cancer," Calle says.

Dr. Calle has been studying the link between cancer and obesity.

Asked what kinds of cancer, Calle gives Stahl a long list: "Breast cancer, colon cancer, endometrial cancer, kidney cancer, cancer of the esophagus, pancreatic cancer, liver cancer."

"I should have said what cancers don't, aren't affected by obesity," Stahl remarks.

"There are very few that aren't affected, yes," Calle says.

"Have you been able to calculate how many people die every year of obesity-related cancers?" Stahl asks.

"We have. And our estimate is that about 100,000 individuals in the U.S…,every year die of cancer, because of their weight," Calle says.

"So if you lose weight, you're fending off cancer?" Stahl asks.

"Well, that is and has been, up until now, sort of the piece of evidence that hasn't been in place. People don’t really lose weight in this country," Calle says. "They lose it and they gain it back."

But now researchers are studying people who've had bypass surgery, because they tend to keep the weight off. "And in those populations, very interestingly, the cancer, overall cancer risk, is greatly reduced, cut in half," Calle explains.

The number of people having weight loss operations grows every year. But it's still a small number compared to the millions who are eligible for the surgery and the many more who could benefit.

"So, what percent of the people who are eligible for this operation, actually eligible, get it?" Stahl asks.

"Actually, less than one per cent," Dr. Hutcher says.

"And how many had the operation this year," Stahl asks.

"About 200,000. So it's one percent," he says.

The bypass operation costs an average of $25,000 and insurance companies don't always cover it; and despite the gains in safety, most doctors still consider the operation an option of last resort. That is no longer the case for Dr. Miller’s patients.

"I look at 'em now and I'm handing out my surgeon's card right when I see 'em. I'm not waiting for the last resort now," Dr. Miller says, who lost 120 pounds after the surgery.

"Do you think most doctors are where you are?" Stahl asks.

"Probably not," he says. "They haven’t walked the walk."

"If you're used to a lifestyle of eating, you know, eating makes you comfortable. You're sad, you're mad, whatever the case may be: you eat," Travis Goodbou told Stahl.

Goodbou is just 26 years old. Heavy his hold life, he got the operation in July to change his weight. It ended up changing his health, and the way he lives his life. "For me I think I was addicted to food. I loved to eat, I loved to cook; I loved everything about food. Now, I love movin'. I'm kind of addicted to life out there. You don't catch me home," he says.

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2008-04-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

Back

Sorry for the long hiatus. Things have been busy and positive. The first good news is that I got the insurance approval for the panniculectomy from my insurer. Now to go after the abdominoplasty. The better news in that department is that I don't feel a need to act on the hernia immediately at this point. My masseuse is doing a great job of keeping that sucker in place and I'm feeling much better in round 2 of cipro and flagyl. What seems to work best for me is one a day of each, rather than two or three times a day. This keeps the DRH at a minimum and pain down to nothing. It also works for smell control - amazing given that this is Passover and matzah is a known gut-bomb, even for the unoperated.

We had a nice Passover with our family and "mythpocha" (c) in LA. It was good to see the old crowd and they were very complimentary about my new size. It was very strange to be bigger than most of my friends - and smaller in very different places. It was especially odd with a girlfriend who has always been smaller than me - she is now heavier. That really took some brain-adjustment on my part. It's especially unsettling to see these women getting heavier where I've been getting thinner - under my breasts and through the waist. Part of it is probably menopause, but it's worrisome as this is an area of the body where weight gain seems to be linked to additional health problems.

In another post, I'll write about the tsuris we had with my husband's family and their plan to move his grandmother from her current assisted living facility to a cheaper, unfamiliar board and care/nursing home option, without her knowledge, input or consent. It really shook me that they could hatch and implement such a scheme - all to save a few of grandmother's dollars. It's too depressing to write about fully here, as I want to focus on the positive things that have happened... including being offered a full-time federal position.

It's a great, ground-floor opportunity, and I've been assured of a promotion in 91 days and another before the first year is out. The real benefit for me is being able to apply for other federal positions after 90 days (from clearance) and not having to compete with people who have veteran's preference. The pay will be initially less than I'd get after my promotion, but the long-term benefits greatly outweigh the short-term loss. An added plus is that my boss and her boss were absolutely thrilled that I said yes. We'd tried to get a special wage adjustment because of my background experience, but it wasn't possible. No big taco, but I had to try -and it was a great memo, if I do say so myself!

Another final positive - and it's a biggie - I got to meet with my advisor face to face yesterday, with DH, and he agreed that my dissertation is in essence ready to go. I'll eliminate one chapter (yahoo!) and send him a draft on Sunday. He was confident that we should be able to get it out to the committee in the next two weeks. If their schedules allow - and that _is_ a big "if" - I should be able to submit the dissertation in June or July. Yee-HAW!

2008-04-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

Out of the Mouths of Babes

This was another WLWTF moment for me that happened last week. A friend was babysitting another friend's daughter and brought her around to the cafe. The little girl was adopted less than 2 years ago from Africa and spoke no English when she came. Now, as a well-adjusted four-year old, she is lively, babbles away non-stop in English and is very friendly and outgoing.

Within a few minutes of having met me, she was firmly ensconced on my lap, playing a game with me about an imaginary snake and his house in the walls. While we were playing, she turned to me and ran her hands over my collarbones, which are fairly prominent these days. She looked at me in the face, cocked her head and said, "You're not like my mom. She's kinda fat. You're not fat." It took me a bit aback, but I said nothing and we went on playing the hissing snake game which brought on major giggles.

I thought that there was no need for me to pursue the subject of size and different people's shapes at that moment. It was the first time I'd met the girl and I wasn't feeling in a didactic mood. But I was also concerned that the little girl would bring up the subject of her mother being "sort of fat" again and that her mother would be hurt by the conversation. Why I was worried that her mother would take offense or be hurt, is probably my own mishegoss. I'm sure the woman's own weight is no surprise to her - I've only seen her from a distance, and she looks kind of round. I can imagine that hearing your child compare your weight to that of other women, and, somehow implying that you are different in a negative way would not be pleasant to hear.

One of the nicest things about being thinner, as I've said earlier, is not having little children be frightened of my because of my weight. Don't get me wrong, I still tower over them at 5'10". But I enjoy being accessible to small people and have them climb up on me, well at least most of the time, when they aren't covered in blue granita, modelling clay or mud. It was a great, but pleasant shock, to be told that I was "not fat" from the perspective of a very snuggly, if not overly objective, little girl.

2008-04-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

Size 8 Will Have to Wait

DH, over my shoulder, is already chiming in, "But you can wear it.." Me: I'm not so sure. Here's the deal - I ordered a vintage Marimekko dress for my mother for her birthday last week. It arrived several days too late for the big day. It was advertised as a 16, so that should have worked, I figured from the Ebay ad.

I unpacked the almost tropical-looking dress and the first thing that struck me is that the back looked awfully narrow. On the other hand, I'm not always such a great judge of misses sizes. I tried it on and the upper part fit well, but the lower part was less than flattering over the "front butt". No big worry - I know that I carry my excess in that area and my mother is smaller there. However, it fit me well through the waist and that was a bad sign. Like most women her age, my mother is thicker through the waist than I am, although she has a nice shape. In this case, though, it probably meant that she'd have to move the buttons on the dress to make it fit comfortably, if it was going to work at all.

The more I looked at myself in the dress, the more I was confused about the sizing. The pattern, buttons and general cut of the dress didn't really seem like they were made for a form-fitting model. In fact, I'd bought the dress with the idea that it could be a kind of housedress. I have fond memories of housedresses - my grandmother often wore one, as did my neighbor Belen, back in Berkeley (a few generations younger than my grandmother, but fashion changes more slowly in Ecuador). Now that I look at housedresses more closely, I realize that quite a few of them are designed to follow the figure, but those aren't the kind I associate with my grandmother as much, as hers were looser to actually allow a woman to do the type of work that needed to get done around a farm without having to resort to wearing "dungarees".

DH agreed that the dress would either be a bit too hoochie mama for my mother or, in the worst case, just not fit. Imagine my surprise when I took off the dress, looked at the label and saw that it was a Finnish size 36, which is a US size 8. I almost passed out on the floor! That is the first time I've tried on a piece of clothing with an "8" in the number that didn't have another digit in front of it. I'm still boggled by the whole thing. But, back to the title, although it fit, I think that the dress will fit much better in a few months. So it's a bit of the waiting game...

2008-04-04T13:31:00.001-07:00

Onward and Upward

Good news to report - my hernia is _much_ better. I found a great masseuse here in town and she was able to wrangle to loop more or less into place. Ok, the honker is still big enough to be visible, but I no longer have to hold it in when I walk and exercise, which was a real drag. So, with any luck, I can tough it out until June when I get an appointment with the plastic surgeon I intended to see and have my weight a bit more stable.

In other good news, I had a job interview for a promotion with my contracting firm last week. It was, uh, less than stellar - I really didn't give my best performance. But it went well enough I guess - I was offered the job the next day. Ironically, I'm not exactly sure what that job will be. It might be doing the same thing - or something a bit different. In theory, it should have a bit more responsibility, though, I'm hoping, no direct supervision. I just don't feel ready for that yet. But it does mean about 25% more than I'm currently making, which is always a welcome thing.

We had old friends here from Sat. through Wed. and it was a lot of fun to catch up. At the same time, it was exhausting. I'm not 100% sure why it was so draining, but I think it was being so totally on someone else's agenda, full-time work and cooking several large meals. Speaking of meals, to make a long story very short, I'm going to be organizing a very small butter tasting (of all things!) with a local big deal chef in the beginning of May. This came about because of a very impassioned discussion we had about cultured v. sweet butter and local creameries. Basically, it will be his staff, my people, no guns. The chef is from Hoboken; my husband's clan is from Newark. We'll try to make it work. ;) It helps that he's as crazy/passionate about dairy as I am.

Work has been a bit crazy, due to some weird changes from central that required a lot of footwork on our part. But it isn't all bad - we've been working well together as a small team and I like the feeling that we generate working together, rather than parts sniping at the whole. My co-workers were teasing me about coming in for the "big push" on Saturday - we really aren't working over the weekend. One of my guys said, "She doesn't work on Saturday. That's G-d's day, not the government's. I don't think it would matter if it were triple pay." That was a very cool compliment, as he said it with some respect. Actually, the folks I work with were very sweet about the promotion, especially in the light that one of them had applied for the same job. They made me a really great congratulations card which was waiting for me when I came in yesterday. Can a person ask for better colleagues? That is a big downside of moving around - who knows what kind of co-workers I'll find at the next place? I've been so lucky in this gig - and I'm very grateful.

2008-03-28T05:35:00.001-07:00

Weird Weight and Waiting

OK, not so weird, but kind of mindboggling. I now weigh less than the amount of weight I've lost. It's that special pre-period time, when I'm not at my lowest weight because of my fluid, but I'm just into the hundreds and an official pound or two from 200 lbs. For some reason, this blows my 2 volt brain. How is it possible to have lost over half of your body weight?

Another irritating thing with Dr. Chaudry yesterday: his insistence on me having a "goal weight". When I told him that I really didn't have one, he just looked at me like a goat confronted with the Rule of the Antepenultimate: blank and boggled. Eventually, he regained his composure, and rephrased the question, which was a valid one. He really wanted to know if I was planning on losing more weight so that all of this work might have been for naught, in light of, say, a 50 lb loss. Fair enough, but the honest answer is "I don't know". My body seems to be saying "it's not over and I'm still adjusting". What that means in terms of pounds, I haven't a clue, and I don't really spend much time worrying about it. If I could put off the plastic and have the surety that my hernia wouldn't come back into play from the weight/placement of excess stomach skin (we're talking pulling right on the area to be operated), I might put the whole thing off indefinitely.

And what the heck is the deal with "dog ears"? Why can't they be avoided or corrected at the time. More questions...

2008-03-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Plastique

I had a consult with a Dr. Chaudry for plastics in combination with having my hernia fixed. It's not a happy situation - the hernia, as you've all gathered - and it may have to be addressed surgically sooner rather than later. Dr. B had rec'd a Dr. Buckley (Clearly, a part of the "B" conspiracy! ;) ), but she had no openings until mid June and I might not be able to put off surgery that long. Given that I don't tolerate either anesthesia or pain medication well, I'm not eager to go under the knife anymore than I have to. The only reason I really am thinking about getting any of the plastic work done, is that I am afraid that the weight of the panni will have me back in the same hernia situation in short time.

So, I went for a consult with Dr. Buckley's colleague - who had an immediate opening for a consult. It didn't go well. I found him very off-putting, arrogant and unwilling to listen to my well-prepared and well-documented concerns. He seemed to be very insurance driven, which isn't all a bad thing, but when a person wants to know a) what's possible and b) what's best, sometimes that's not just what insurance will pay. Plus, he didn't know what my insurance position is. He did not put me at all at ease and I left there with questions unasked that I would have liked to have had addressed. He was also quite dismissive of my pain concerns - along with my medication issues. After having told me to expect quite major pain, his line was "Well, maybe you can just take Tylenol." Uh, not so much. Check, please!

I am grateful that I have decent insurance through Medica, and decided to say nothing about my concerns with this particular surgeon, and let him start the approval process. I can always take eventual approval somewhere else or ask Dr. B to intervene with Dr. Buckley. Ideally, I don't want to travel again if I don't have to. The idea of not having local follow-up with all sorts of drains stuck in me just doesn't appeal. Thoughts? Another concern: Choudry has also done only about 70 of these procedures and none on a non-African American who is a keloid producer.

Ugh!

2008-03-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

Back Again

... and things are looking up. I finally got to speak with Dr. B's office directly and it appears that the hernia is livin' large with a small piece of bowel "looped" into it. Now, "looped" doesn't mean "caught", "trapped" , "incarcerated" or anything else dangerous. He read both the film and the report and said that the hernia surgery can be done when I am able, so this isn't an urgent, should-have-done-it-yesterday matter. That's a huge relief.

But the sucker is definitely much more "present" than it was, say, 50 lbs ago. I have some pain in that area after I eat and sometimes I really feel it when I laugh or caugh. Let's not even talk about the "ick factor" of being able to see it move. Suffice it to say that it's a bit of an "Alien" moment. I'm not looking forward to the surgery, swell-hell or anything that goes along with it, though if this stomach pain and weirdness keeps up, it may have to happen sooner than later. I also feel weird about having the tummy tuck, but realize that there are now structural reasons to have that done at the same time - i.e. so that the weight of the skin, etc. there doesn't pull the stitches right out of the hernia repair. This aside from the fact that I have a "camel toe" about 12" longer and 4" higher than anyone of semi-normal proportions should have.

Later this week I'll probably find out if I'm a permanent employee of my current employer. The job will be ok - no great shakes - but provide some security that my current position doesn't allow. Here's the weird thing: my contractor job provides short term disability insurance, my permanent job will not. And since I'll be an absolute greenhorn, I'll have no time built up and would have to take the recovery as leave without pay. So, I'm in kind of a weird position: on one hand, the job would be really good to get, pay more, be secure, etc., but the timing is potentially poor. But, bureaucracy to the rescue: I will probably have to have another clearance, and this can take several months. This could mean that I have the surgery sometime in, say, May and then go into the position in June or July. The recovery is 3 - 6 weeks and folks who have had the DS lap and this surgery say that the hernia/TT is by far more painful in terms of recovery. Add to this my notorious intolerance for pain medication and you can see why I'm not champing at the bit.

On the positive side, DH and I had a good time in New York, once the work was done. We explored Astoria's Greek neighborhood, some new-to-us bookstores and I scored a Greenlandic cookbook and very nice jacket from Syms, my new favorite place for cut-priced clothing. DH trotted off with several very handsome shirts and a cool tie, so he was happy. I also got my niece and nephew some Lindt chocolate. You should have seen the look on my poor nephew's face when I told him I brought him some Lindt from New York. He was too polite to say, "But couldn't you just have gone down the basement to the dryer and gotten some?", but his expression said it all. They were both relieved when they got their foil wrapped chochs. I think it says something about either my lack of awareness in general or my lack of interest in sweets that I've stayed literallyright next door to this shop and never noticed it before this visit.

We also had a very nice and low-key Purim. No parties for us this year. I had a heck of a time sleeping the night before, so I got up at about 3 am and started to make hamentaschen. This year I had hoped to do chocolate along with an apricot/peach variant, but ran out of steam. They turned out ok, nothing special. I did, however, make a batch of mohn ones, after despairing that I would never find fresh poppy seeds at any reasonable price. Indeed, I didn't find them, but found a left-over can of the Solo filling that worked. I know of two Jewish co-workers, and DH has a Jewish workmate from Toronto, so they were the sole recipients of our mishaloach manot this year. It was pretty cool though, as I don't think any of the three of them even knew it was a holiday and they all really like hamentaschen. Next year, maybe I'll make the more cakey American style ones, though I always find them too dry for my taste. They bake up more beautifully than my more butter-cookie-ish kind.

"Low-key" was the signature for Shabbes and this weekend in general. My mother came across the street and stayed with us, giving her house over to my brother and his family, and after they left, we all went back to bed! Then we spent the rest of the day just reading and talking. It was very nice and something I've missed with all of the running around, sickness, travel, etc. that has been going on the past weeks. Today we saw the sweet and refreshing film The Band's Visit from Israel. It was a tightly made, engaging film about the inadvertent arrival of a police band from Alexandria, Egypt to a dusty, backwater Israeli town. The music is great and I thought the actors were excellent. Try and see it if you can.

2008-03-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

Not Much Smarter

The results of the CT are back and the good news is that there doesn't seem to be a blockage in the bowel or the non-alimentary limb. What is troubling is that there seems to be some incarceration at the site of the hernia. On the other hand, the hernia appears to be smaller than originally thought.

I'm feeling less confident in my PCP. I had to leave work again with the pain and vomiting and although I felt much better after 4 hours of heat and rest (and serious hernia pain usually doesn't resolve with rest, btw), I'm not getting a very pro-active vibe off of her. The next step is to start Cipro and Flagyl for 10 days and see if and to what degree bacteria are to blame. A bacteria overgrowth isn't so strange for post-DSers, but I'm troubled that I'm the one having to come up with this.

The results of the tests were also sent to Dr. B at the U and I've followed up with a phone call late this afternoon, this time with his administrative person, so that I can hopefully avoid his clueless nurse. UGH.

2008-03-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

Show and Tell

I'm here! I'm alive! And I'm feeling quite a bit better. I'll have a CT scan later this week, but I don't expect it to show anything interesting. This stomach thing seems to be just something that is going around - even with the intense pain. My contracting supervisor had it last week - same thing, pain in the same area and also nothing to show for it from the tests. Misery does love company, I guess. And Dr. B's office finally got back to me - as confused as ever, but at least giving signs of life. So, I'll probably drop in there at some point as well.

Interesting "trauma" at work last week. I walked in, greeted one of my colleagues - usually a sane, if nervous, stoic Swedish type - and she burst into tears. I wondered what in the world I'd done! It wasn't me at all: the promotion lists had been published, lots of people didn't get hired for the advanced slots, and this was the cause of general gnashing of teeth, carrying on and a sort of informal work slowdown. It was amazing: I've never seen such a display of pique, disappointment and, frankly, oblivious pettiness as was displayed by some of these grown, (seemingly) rational, colleagues. People were crying off and on during the day and very little work got done. I was quite stunned by this, to my mind, lack of control and public display of disappointment. Not surprisingly Eeyore was leading the sulk and pout patrol.

Never mind that the people who got the promotions were better qualified in critical ways than those who didn't get the new positions. There seems to be a kind of sea change from an older system where seniority = merit and education/experience/capacity were secondary factors. In other words, this closed system is starting to look like the free market in some ways. It seemed - and seems - to me that if you don't get a job, and you really want that job or another one like it, you find out what the qualifications of the folks were who got the jobs (if it wasn't an inside hire, which these weren't) and try to replicate or go one better. Honestly, people were one step away from accusing some of the hirees as having used, um, feminine wiles to get the job - allegations that were utterly unfounded.

Some digging on my part - and it didn't take much - revealed that all of these hires were former contractors, all of whom had at least an MA and extensive previous management experience outside the system. You would think these facts would have made for at least some cold comfort, but they had the opposite effect. "There, you see!" the co-workers said, "It's absolutely unfair - these people have no seniority. And it says education or experience and we have more inside experience. Therefore it's age discrimination!" *Sigh* Heaven forfend the person who got the job is more qualified, on several levels, even.

There were no battles to be won, nor minds to be changed that day. Indeed, my grandfather's words never rang truer, "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still." The amazing thing, is that these jobs come up fairly frequently in this sector - they are kind of like buses; wait, and another will come along.

But some disturbing news came up. One of my sources was discounted because of his "bad reputation". It was pretty clearly loshon hora; the example given didn't make any sense. However, some other pieces made more sense in light of this "information" and I wanted to make sure I didn't get myself into unintentional hot water - given my "gubbmagnetism". DH to the rescue! An hour later he showed up in our office with a coffee for me and (with my supervisor's official okey-dokey) got a walk 'round of the operation. Sure enough - when I introduced DH to potential trouble, PT made a big fuss over DH and treated me with a new respect. *Gag* I hate to have to show up on radar as "worthy of more respect as some man's property", but I'd guessed, correctly it seems, that this might be the case for Mr. PT. Again, whatever it takes to get the job done with the least amount of harassment. It's stupid, irritating and just wrong that women should have to go through this.

On the big upside - having DH come through just made my day. I was really glad that everyone got a chance to meet him and get to know something more and positive about my life outside the office. I guess I was a bit giddy - Big Easy teased me about how I blush around my husband and look at him like a newlywed. It's true - I'm certifiably gaga over DH. It turned the whole day around and I ended the day with a smile on my face.

2008-02-18T19:47:00.000-08:00

Still Here, Still Sick

"Sama sama" as they say in Indonesia - courtesy of my workmate Big Easy who grew up there. I had a productive editing weekend, but was laid low today by another bout of the yuck. It was the same as before - about 20-40 minutes after eating, with some pretty scary pain, actually some of the worst lower half abdominal pain I've ever had. It doubles me over, turns my face beet red, I feel like I'm going to pass out from heat, and if I look at anything written, I get incredibly nauseous. Ok, that last one could be a reaction to my dissertation, I grant you. ;^)

After getting my labs back, I at least know I don't have an infection - which is a definite happy thing. The ultrasound today will probably not show much - the tech was surprised the doctor hadn't ordered a CT scan, but who knows? I'll wait to hear from her and then check in with either Buchwald here or Paclap. The sense of the boards is that a GI person needs to be consulted, but it's probably just weird gas. "How does one get rid of weird gas and keep it from coming back?" is the question of the hour.

On a more interesting note, my brother sat 10 feet from Barack Obama at a political fundraiser this weekend. It was really a surprise for me, because he tends to trend quite conservative. What was an even bigger surprise was his overwhelmingly positive reaction to Obama (this I'm hearing third hand, I have to say). He said that the man was the most electrifying speaker he'd ever heard. Very cool.

2008-02-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

The Secret Fountain

Things continue to go well at work with my colleagues and with the scale. Today I got initiated into the secret of the hidden water cooler. Big Easy and a few other employees have pooled their money to get a water cooler with purified water. I was invited to join in the group and this morning was escorted through the warren of cubicles, office machines and supply cupboards. Definite sign of acceptance I'm continually amazed at at how nice the co-workers here are. At Cal I had some marvelous colleagues, but there were some real nutjobs too - very challenging to work with. By and large, it seems that everyone here just wants to get along, and the pot-stirrers are in the minority. Today, it was so nice that our acting supervisor got us all carnations for VD. I had hoped to bake cookies, but given that I didn't know if my illness was due to a virus, I figured everyone would be better off if I held off. Plus, I think leap day cookies have a certain ring to them.

On a less fun note, my stomach bug came back wickedly yesterday. Fortunately, I could make it out of the building under my own steam, but the vomiting, cramping and headaches were enough to send me to my doctor today. One of the potential problems with a DS is that there can be a blockage in the non-alimentary limb and you can have normal gas and bowel movements. It's not where you want to go, trust me or trust these guys. Tests were done, with nothing clear at this point. There is something in the upper right quadrant, could be flu-induced gas, could be something else. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday 8 am. Just the way to spend a holiday!

I've had to be a bit careful with what I eat - and my protein intake has suffered because of all of the carbs I am eating to keep my stomach cramping at bay. My doc is backing this carb-o-riffic diet for the time being and I'm finally back down to my pre-stomach yuck virus weight. I'm not counting on losing until this mess is over.

2008-02-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

The Passing Parade

It's been quite a day, from the macro to the micro. DH has had some fabulous news, which I'll elaborate on in another post. Suffice it to say, it's a change for the happy, and there's no one who deserves it more!

On a less happy note, there was sad news that one of my lecherous gubbar is now very ill indeed and not likely to make it to our next meeting. While he has been suffering from cancer for some time, this news came very suddenly and left me in a bit of a funk most of the afternoon. I did get a note off to him in the afternoon mail. Remember when mail used to come twice a day? It comes 3-4 times a day to my current workplace!

It was also a bit of a glum atmosphere as Eeyore has allegedly been stirring up trouble with Big Easy, whose wife is having a serious surgery tomorrow. It is all very petty - but the sum of the matter is that BE didn't attend the office birthday party because of how the supervisor snapped at him. She's both a stress monkey and not very diplomatic, if my observations are correct, but I keep my head down and stay out of her way. Our little unit usually gets along fine; the work gets done and losses/bonuses are taken as a team. And Eeyore is one of those people who seems to a) like to stir the pot; b) be important, even if it's through tale-bearing; and c) get ahead on other people's backs. It's good to see this at a distance and be able to watch out for it. She often goes on about how smart, ambitious and detail-oriented she is. Some of that seems true and I praise what I can get behind while not discussing the rest.

Another woman in our little group is very nice, but quite anxious about, well, everything, and Eeyore's pot-stirring makes her especially uneasy. My nature is to try and smooth things out, but I'm not in a structural position where I can really effect any change, and this isn't my job or my struggle. I just tried to help her keep Eeyore in perspective and support her where I can. Sure enough, once she started to talk, it came out that she's really feeling anxious about losing her elderly mother on the heels of her husband's death at an unfortunately young age. Sometimes all a person can do is listen. Between this and 30+ files/letters/etc. to process today, it was quite overwhelming.

And, oddly enough, despite the DRH, I've gone up several pounds in weight! Horrors! Actually, I'm not surprised - all I ate last week after the virus hit were carbs. Protein was really hard to get in. Now I'm getting back to normal with my heavy meat rotation. Can I trust my DS? Stay tuned!

2008-02-06T19:28:00.001-08:00

A Bit Better

As The Wordman wrote, I did go to the gym yesterday and my stomach is much better today. The headache and the pain in the side are still there. This is a classic case of the norovirus - there isn't anything that a doctor could do. Viruses are self-limiting and as long as there is no secondary infection, there isn't much to be done.

What I do notice is that I make a lot more mistakes when I'm sick. Well, I make mistakes. Fortunately, they can be corrected, didn't involve human health or, Heaven forfend, human lives. But I don't like to do my job poorly and I dislike it even more if others are inconvenienced. I'm so lucky that the two guys I'm now working with - it's slow on Eyeore's side right now - are pretty much into just getting the work done and working together as a team. This esprit de corps may soon be challenged; our little unit is about to be physically integrated with the other gang. This is a mixed bag, to judge from my workmates. On one hand, we'll all have a little more sunlight - our cubes are opposite windows. On the other hand, we'll be around more gossip and talking. None of the little group I work with likes that - we joke around a bit by ourselves, but there isn't a lot of chit-chat. Works for me. But change is inevitable and it will all work out for the best.

As it was slow, I was able to get some more work done on my diss during my breaks and lunch and in the last half hour. I was working on writing the acknowledgments - an important part of a big work like this and one to which I really hadn't given much thought prior to today. Wow. I was surprised how emotional it was for me! I got about four pages written - there are a lot of people who have to be thanked, not least the funders - and these things have a certain format. It felt like writing an epitaph, honestly and I felt almost teary writing my thanks. It is so final - suddenly it seems like it's really going to be finished. It's real for the first time. Another "first".

2008-02-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

Round 2

Well, I thought it was over. The fever. The cramping. The pounding headache. The nausea. But I was oh so wrong. It didn't pack quite the punch today that it had on Thursday. Still, there was one point, around 2 pm, that I didn't think I was going to make it through the workday. However, I remembered that an Advil taken as soon as the symptoms were noticeable thwarted both the fever and the headache. It doesn't do so much for the cramping, but there's always bending over or trying to find some physical position to relieve the pain. I hope this round is short - but I'm back to soup, rice and ginger ale for the time being.

On the plus side: I bought my first Speedo, at 19.99 from Costco, no less. It's a bit loose in the caboose (!), but any smaller and it wouldn't fit up top. But it's the first time in years I've been able to fit a regular misses size in swimsuits and at $40+ off retail, the size isn't the only thing that is sweet.

2008-01-31T18:59:00.000-08:00

Hit by a Mack Truck

Has anyone else been hit hard by the Noro/stomach flu virus post-ds? I have never had a big issue with stomach flu in my life - ok, you got a bit sick, it stuck for a day and then you were ok. No fever that turned my brain to jello in less than an hour. No major pain that made jumping off of a cliff seem like a viable pain control option. I came down with it today at work and it was like being hit by a Mack truck!

At first, because of the pain, I thought it might have been an obstruction. Sweet mother of pearl, I was frikkin' doubled over with pain. This from a person who had a dental never so impacted they couldn't figure out how I hadn't ripped it out of my head with pliers and who regularly has her breasts flattened to the approximate thickness of waffles with weights in a so-called mammogram. I was still coherent to be grateful that Dr. Rabkin had yanked my appendix and gall bladder so that at least I knew they weren't at fault. After some up and down bathroom action - which did nothing to lessen the pain, might I add - the fever hit, with sweats, chills and confusion. Within 1/2 hour, I went from being sane, competent colleague to an incoherent babbling wreck. Without exaggerating, I was so messed up, I couldn't find my coat in the locker 2 feet from me, much less make it out of the building where my husband was waiting for me. Thank Heaven for good work mates - my neighbor who had himself had the virus earlier in the week - lead me down to the lobby where I unceremoniously laid down on the marble bench sweating and shaking like some heroin addict in major WD. It was [B]so[/B] not pretty, but I so didn't care. I was reduced to monosyllables because of the pain and my DH wheeled me out in a wheelchair.

It was 50/50 about going right to the hospital or home, but after a few hours of sleep, a half a cup of rice and some ginger ale (neither of which I usually eat), I'm on the road to being better, though still dizzy and weak.

Others of you have this experience with stomach flu post-op? Does it move through more/less quickly after surgery? Does it depend on the virus? In any event, dear readers, I hope that you don't get this from your workplace, home or anywhere else!

2008-01-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

Where nobody knows your name

... used to be "the fat chick". It's liberating to be a woman without a past. None of my workmates knows me from before, although, somewhat ironically, the former supervisor of my unit and I belonged to the same women's club. However, she retired just before I started, so we've never seen each other in that context. You always get a new chance in a new job with fresh colleagues, but I think it's harder for fat people to get the better of many prejudiced first impressions. There are two MO women who work in a unit next to mine - both are younger and pretty. I've noticed that neither of them make a lot of eye contact with anyone, walking up the corridor. Maybe they are shy. I've smiled at them and one of them even spoke a bit with me when I went to use a machine across the aisle from her. The informal dress code is not working for them - or they aren't working it. Actually, the "jeans code" that seems to rule makes it look like "saddlebags on parade" for a good number of the ladies and many of my male workmates also have a hard time deciding where to wear their belts. As long as folks are comfortable, decent and there is no contact with the public, it's pretty much anything goes.

I've also entered the world of the "overweight". My BMI has fallen below 29.9 - and I've gained nearly an inch of height, believe it or not. I wonder if the weight was compressing my spine?!? That was totally unexpected - right up there with the bra size. Go figure!

My workout mate at the gym is also a big loser - she's in her late 50's and has lost nearly 140 lbs. Self-confessed obsessive compulsive, she's made it work for her and weight loss: she lives in the gym and says she has no other life. I'm amazed at her success and give her lots of props, especially when people ask me about my weightloss. I am so cognizant that the DS is really unsuitable for most people looking to lose weight. I've gotten to the point that if people in the gym who knew me from before ask about my weight loss, I redirect them to my workout mate. Perhaps it's a bit dishonest - I sometimes say, "X's weight loss is so much more impressive than mine; she's made such a huge commitment to lifestyle change and exercise." It's not 100% true - I've certainly made some changes, but I feel like her method is, in theory, doable for most people; mine isn't. My weight almost never comes up as a topic of discussion with people who didn't know me from before - as I suspect it seldom comes up with "normies". That state of affairs suits this "overweight" gal just fine!

2008-01-24T20:04:00.000-08:00

Going Aerobic in the Office

The good news: I can run up four flights of stairs, moderately fast. The bad news: the fifth floor just kicks my butt. I make it up, no doubt, but I feel pretty tired afterwards. Hopefully this will get better - I'm trying to do it 3x a week, at least once a day. Because, if you haven't worked in an office for a while, it's hard to get a lot of exercise at a desk.

Speaking of desks, I have a pretty nice one. I was surprised by how big it is - about 5'x 5' and the walls are high enough to prevent people from casually looking down on me. In addition to some antique French seed envelopes and a mobile of Japanese cocktail umbrellas, I've put up some nice needlework - a small 1930's sampler, an antique mola and an arts and crafts purse from Sweden. I wouldn't like it if any of it got stolen, but this in an office where people leave their purses out on their desks when they go on break. It had me confused, until I realized that everyone has a security clearance. You probably wouldn't risk your ability to work over petty theft. Still, I stuff mine in a drawer. Old habits die hard.

2008-01-23T18:33:00.000-08:00

More Love

I've been so lucky with this job. I'm back in the saddle, I've learned a bunch of new things from pleasant people, my job allows for our religious observances and I even had a mentor. The person who hired me used to be the HR potentate for the entire building. I half think that I was hired as a bit of a lark - "let's see what the 'college girl' can do" - which is fair enough, as I applied for the job at least in part, because of the fun of the name - it brought about ideas of coonskin caps and the pony express.

But the hiring boss said, "You need to check out the jobs site for us daily - DAILY." And, being obedient when it serves my interests, I do just that and found something yesterday that might fit the bill in the long term. I'm not dissatisfied a bit with anything of my current position, except the pay, but trust my mentor, that there is something else waiting out there, for which my current job is the right stepping stone. It's pretty amazing - I've probably applied for 30 jobs aside from this one - but this is the seed that germinated. Divine providence?

So my HB gave me a good analysis of the job (we're not sure that I can apply for it yet), and promised to ring a few people to check it out tomorrow. This is a pattern in my life: many times when I have been able to move forward in a job, it has been because of the involvement and support of a mentor. Typically, this person has been at the end of their career, in a generous place in their life. Their fortune is made and they are willing to help someone who is willing to follow their advice. The pattern is appearing again. I'm hopeful and very, very grateful.

I'm less grateful for my period, which came, of course, at work. But knowing - although not really accepting - that this comes monthly, I had taken the precaution of having the necessary supplies at work. The weird thing is that I kept losing weight all this week - normally this doesn't happen the week of my period. Things keep changing, that's for sure.

2008-01-22T20:05:00.000-08:00

Even Steven

Although my DH isn't Steven, we've hit a new level - we're both the same weight. That has never happened as long as I've known the good man - nearly 15 years. The good news is that we've both lost weight this week. So it's a happy moment.

Work is still good - aside from my ID badge where I have the ultimate scary helmet hair. Very tragic. On the positive side, I bonded a bit more with my workmate on the other side of the cube and was able to help out with yet another aspect of the work. I also did the obligatory computer security course and a whole mess o' other work that needed to get done. By the end of the day, I had not only all of my assigned work finished, I managed to get some writing done on my MS. As Signgurl observes, being idle feels like stealing, but at least I was able to do something mildly productive.

Another happy thing: Nature Valley Roasted Almond Crunch Bars. These bad boys pack 7 g of protein with 11 carbs, 2 fiber, and about 12g of healthy fat from almonds. They are very satisfying as a snack or if you need a bit of sweet. A box runs about $2.89 @ Target. I'm not as big on peanut, but there is that variant too, if you'd prefer.

2008-01-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

Love Takes Many Forms - Including Staplers

I can't tell you how nice it is to not have completely psychopathic workmates. I've had some lulu's at past workplaces and, in my limited experience, the malignant vibe has been there mostly from the get-go. Yeah, there is some negativity from some team members, but when you get a big shake-up (read: "new boss"), there is always tension.
I just follow Deluzy's sage advice and keep my head down and my mouth shut, but also my ears open. As the new guy, people sometimes forget you are there and no one expects you to know the players yet. I've gotten quite a bit of info about various players, but no idea about accuracy, reliability, etc. Right now, it's just filed away.

Actually, all I ask is that people are respectful, polite and do their job. Anything else is gravy. But I'm making headway. The colleague responsible for delegating work to me has given me her electric stapler, which makes one element of my job much easier. That's major symbolic capitol, people. I felt honored and accepted and left her a nice thank you.

On another new worker note: it's a fine line between wanting to be helpful and busy and being seen as a suck-up. I'll back off a bit now, but I hope I didn't make too much of a spectacle of myself asking around if there was any work that I was capable of doing that needed to be done. I finally got a computer and a phone, so it will be easier to at least look busy during down periods (our workload is subject to major bottlenecks it seems). This is a potential problem for me; I have an apparently congenital issue with being idle on company time. My grandfather had the same problem, once quitting a very lucrative job because he was expected to sit and do nothing. I nearly went insane on Thursday and actually was told to do some knitting, which I had brought with me to do on breaks, in case I needed an icebreaker - knitting makes women seem more approachable, in my experience.

I've tried to be good about getting up and moving around during the day at work, as well as (discreetly and with headphones) doing some exercises and stretches twice during the workday - with the encouragement of "Chicken Fat". It seems to be working. I'm down five more pounds, despite having acquired a potentially dangerous interest in biscuits. But my main focus is still getting in my 90g of protein. After that, I don't worry too much.

Monday is a federal holiday, which is a happy thing. I'll have to work an extra hour over the week to get my 40 in - I'm on a 9 hr/4 day schedule, with a half day on Friday. I'm so grateful my bosses were flexible. It looks like I'll be able to be gone for a few days at Pesach as well, which was a worry. Things are looking ok!

2008-01-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

Day Two

Today was long and quite ok. Our new boss moved into her office - she'll probably be ok, but she's really overextended and pretty defensive. On the other hand, I've been where she is; you have no idea who has or has not applied for your job and the majority of the people you will be supervising think that Candidate X is/was/will always be more qualified than you. Not happy for her. She's super organized, I'll give her that. Her new office was temporary party digs for a co-workers surprise b-day party (to which new boss wasn't invited) and by 3:00 it was filled to the brim with her binders, etc. By the time I left at 6:00 it looked very ship-shape. Scary.

I did three times as much work today with only three small errors, which were caught and corrected. My work-assigning colleague, Eeyore's pal, decided that she liked the cut of my jib and even gave me her electric stapler to use. High symbolic praise. You've gotta be pleasant, work-hard, and hopefully be a bit funny the first week. I kept calling her different titles, "The Pharaoh of Forms", "Potentate of PF's", etc., which tickled her. Knowing your audience is key. I got to talk with several other of my co-workers and they are mostly a friendly lot. One lady was a check-out worker at our local supermarket for the last 23 years - this in addition to her Fed job. She goes to the same church as many of my swimming friends. Yet another has a daughter at Harvard - the first in her family. Lots of stories.

Nine and a half hours was a long day, even if I did spend the last two and a half hours of it knitting. I went around asking my new co-workers, boss, random people, if they had any work that needed doing, but came up dry. Having given myself the choice of knitting or copying out a service manual longhand, knitting carried the day. I still don't have a computer or a phone. That said, I'm enjoying the lack of communication at work. It's a rarity and I know that this lull will be short lived.
Now off to gym. Diss editing will have to wait until tomorrow afternoon, when I have only a half day.

I did have one potentially scary incident. It's got to be every DSers worry - a sudden DHR or smell attack at a new workplace. Fortunately, the rumbles hit me during my lunch break and my desk is just opposite the door that leads to the corridor with the toilet. Actually, the proximity to the door is usually a liability - I hate having my back exposed, especially to a door. But in this case it was a blessing. In, Oust and out and I was as good as new. 1/2 hr lunch break makes eating meat a bit of a challenge - I am still a prisoner of my digestion and sometimes I can get down a bowl in a half-hour, sometimes it takes 45 min. And sometimes it doesn't work at all. I tried a steak this evening and got about two bites before my stomach said "time out". I'll have to try again after swimming.

The grey jeans were the way to go. People dress much more casually than I'm accustomed to, but jeans seemed to be the way to go. However, I think this pair must really be a 16 and mislabled, as they are too big in the waist, loosish in the thighs, and there is no way with my front butt that the 14 is too large.

2008-01-17T04:56:00.000-08:00

The First Step's a Doozy

.. or "All beginnings are difficult" as the Germans are wont to say. But it was basically ok, once the people realized that I was there. I mean, seriously, I got my offer letter in frikkin' August(!). Apparently a bunch of us cleared security at once, a new group had been created, assignments were unclear, etc. I really like my big boss and his counterpart. My temporary supervisor is very cool as well. However, my BB was not happy about the group to which I was assigned, as he felt the morale was low and that it is plagued by negativity. Honestly, it was such a relief when he told me that, about 4 hrs into my shift, as I was about ready to pack it in, as I, true to form, thought it was me being a negative magnet. Turns out that the colleague who had expected to be made the team leader had been passed over for an outsider and she, um, didn't take it well. Really not well. Not postal, but not well. So, personalities aside, I was walking into that field of land mines. That's the great thing about being the new gal tho: you know nothing, haven't caused any major tsuris, you just aren't a factor. And I'm so loving not having to manage personalities. I feel for my new lead and hope it will go well for her, but already I sense some institutional conflict. This team seems to be quite internally tight, having developed a bond, perhaps somewhat based on less than positive behaviors, and are quite laissez faire in how they get their work done (and they are quite effective according to BB's sidekick). Our new lead is a "by the booker". I'm keeping my head down to avoid flying fur!

The colleague assigned to train me gave off a major "Eeyore" vibe - everything was difficult, uncertain, bad and only through her amazing brilliance and personal skill had she managed to make the Everestian climb from a contractor to a federal employee. And it took her only two and a half years. "Mazel tov," I thought, squirreling away the fact that BB said he figured I'd be on the other side in six months, smiled and nodded. I did a lot of smiling and nodding yesterday, as I come from a "lay in the weeds until you get the lay of the land" school of social interaction in the workplace. I praised her abilities as a teacher - I got nearly twice the amount of work done that they had expected in, so that felt good. You know, the old over achiever. But I gave complete credit to Eeyore, who wasn't as sour once I made obeisance. Most of the other people seemed really nice and I'm far from being the oldest, something about which I had been vaguely worried. Gotta love the giant stuffed chicken!

More soon - and thanks again for ALL of your good wishes.

2008-01-15T19:54:00.000-08:00

Meatball Philosophy

... is slightly less dangerous than meatball surgery, all things considered. And that's what I've been practicing this evening. Yes, I should have been at swimming. But I had a rotten night's sleep last night and literally almost fell asleep into my dinner plate this evening. So, what am I doing? Making three liters of meatballs, so that we have what to eat the rest of the week and I have ready food for work. Our house smells like a Swedish kebab stand. One thing I've learned about meatballs, in the countless dozens I've made is that light is key. Tonight I noticed that when I hit my stride, I'm turning them over with my left hand, while at the same time forming the balls loosely with my weaker right hand. It's exactly because I use that less dominant hand that the meatballs stay light and uncompressed.

Here's the philosophy part: by drawing on sides of ourselves that appear "weaker" in some aspect and incorporating them with what we think are our "strengths", it can bring about synergies. "Strengths" and "weaknesses" are situational, fluid and subjective, in other words.

Today was all about Getting Things Ready for tomorrow, and drawing on my strength of organization while trying to keep my weakness of detail obsession to a minimum. Why do I feel more nervous about this than meeting the royal family?!? Although I'm the farthest thing from a perfectionist, I am a stickler for detail. Accordingly, I'm leaving as little to chance as possible. My clothes are brushed and laid out - right down to the shoes pointing the right direction, scarf and my earrings to wear with the wool sweater and skirt. Normally, I'd go with a black "uniform", but I'm dressing to integrate, not intimidate, so Norwegian sweater it is. I'd lay out my clothes for Thursday as well, but I'll have a better idea tomorrow how formal/informal the dress code is, so no sense getting too far ahead.

All documents are collected and in my bag - silly, but necessary, because even though I've filled out/faxed/documented all of this stuff at least twice, it has to happen again. The big worry is food. Honestly, this plays on every nervous eating issue I ever might have had, but I think I've got it down. In my bag will be:

"Roasted Nut Crunch - Almond Crunch Bar"

Trung Nguyen G7 coffee

20 packets/sachets

Mother took me to Nordstrom's Rack for their sale and we "sister shopped". We now wear the same size clothes - both down a bit - with the exception of pants where my legs are about 5" longer. She found me another pair of NYDJ jeans at a 75% discount - now a size 14, go figure - and we both got nice jackets/sweater blazers at under $25. One even matches the alpaca bouclé skirt I bought months ago at a house sale for $4, so we have a suit to share at less than $30. I also found an amazing silk tissue Ralph Lauren black and white polka dot silk blouse for $8.75 - marked down from an all time high of $139. The flutter sleeves emphasize my flutter upper arms, but as a layering piece, it's great. Mother found other great jackets and a skirt, so she's got an additional set, too. It absolutely amazes me that we can wear the same clothing and have it look flattering on both of us with such utterly different body builds, heights, etc. But it doubles both of our closets, so who is complaining?

OK, bedtime, as alarm clock is set for 6:20. I've also been wearing a watch for the last few days, which is something I haven't done for the last five years. It's a great old Elgin self-winder which keeps amazing time for being at least as old as I am.

2008-01-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

Work Drag

It's not a bad thing when you look in the mirror and think, "Gee, the only thing I'd really change is fewer wrinkles on my forehead." 15 months after my DS surgery, I'm thinking, "everything else can/could be camouflaged". And I'm hoping to distract from my forehead somewhat with a new 'do later today - the official "I'm starting a new job and can't go around with my hair not having been cut for five months" coiffure. So it's camo from the top all the way down - new hair and new work duds.

What does calling my dress "camo" say about my own acceptance of myself or my current physical reality, really? Things continue to shuffle and settle, but it's mostly going the right direction, even though the scale isn't moving much these days. I'm moving into a size lower clothes and *sigh* possibly the dreaded 34 bra band size. It's not all bad - but it's about trade-offs and alternatives (which is a big privilege - don't get me wrong). Stepping into the bath the other day, looking down at my rounded belly, I thought, "Hmm. At least it's soft skin, more snowdrift than lipoma". It's always a trade-off. Lumps versus scars. Soft versus hard. Natural versus constricted. Status quo versus side effects. Nearly a week of side effects from novocain the other week brought that question sharply into play. I just don't do anesthesia well.

But beyond working with my readjusted curves, I have another reason to want to make a good first impression. I'm starting a new contract job on Wednesday. It's very low level - in terms of responsibility and, hopefully, stress. I wanted a job for 12 - 18 mos that pays the mortgage and gives me enough mental breathing space to figure out what I'd like to do with the next five-ten years of my working life and if/how my doctorate will play into that. Will I go on my own, doing some kind of ed/non-profit consulting? Will I go back into non-profit management? I'm not sure, but presumably things will be clearer in a year or so. And I've always maintained that the best place to look for a job is from another job. Job gurus bear me out on this one - the difference in wages is at least 10k - and the odd thing is that it doesn't really matter what your current salary is, as much as that you have a regular, current salary.

So, as of mid-week I'll be back in the workforce. I've really liked the atmosphere during the few times I've visited the office. You know how when you walk into some workplaces you can almost smell the tension or hostility? None of that there - the atmosphere and the people seemed both friendly and polite. Dress was definitely casual - jeans and sweaters were the work clothes of choice for most of my co-workers. This created a bottom problem for me - although I intend to wear a sweater/skirt on my first day, because I want to be accepted, in order to do this effectively, I need to fit in with my co-workers' dress code. I haven't owned a pair of jeans since Girbaud was the label to have. Post X-mas sales to the rescue! I ordered two pair that I thought would fit (size 16) - one blue-black and one black twill - and though I find the slim cut (the style that was 70% off) a bit more revealing than my usual garb (think: paired with big sweaters), I was unnerved to find that they are pretty big in the waist. Not gaping, but loose. My "front-butt" requires that I move in the 16-18 range, but sans belly, I'm edging into 14 territory. One of the nice things about "Not Your Daughter's Jeans" is that they give good support through the stomach - hence their being known as "tummy tuck jeans" in certain circles - but, name or no, an aspect that my hernia appreciates. They also work better for gals with hour-glass figures, but without "saddle bags".

Which brings us back to looks and camouflage - maybe camouflage isn't the best word. I'm not really trying to hide anything - just play up the good sides and draw attention to my better features. We're not talking, "if you can't hide it, paint it red" - or "make a statement". One of the best features of the WLS surgery has been the possibility for me to fade into the background, or, at least, not stand out because of my weight (height is just a given). Oddly, I don't know if I would have been as concerned about my dress prior to my surgery. I've always invested quite a lot of time (and, heaven knows, money) into having a good professional wardrobe, but, after a certain point, my choices were more dictated by availability than fashion. I always looked presentable and put-together, but I never had the option of looking like everyone else. Now I'm trying to decide about how I feel about "opting-in" to more general/marketplace driven ideas about fashion and I'm ambivalent. A large-sized friend commented recently about how thrilled I must be to be able to find clothing in regular sizes at Bloomingdale's and Nordstrom's. I told her honestly that it was a bigger thrill to find reasonably-priced basics at Target, and not just because of our current economic situation. It's great to be able to buy decently constructed clothing from good quality fabric and not be charged an arm and a leg for the privilege, which was often the case at the "fat-lady stores", where people pay a premium for shoddily sewn products made from inferior materials.

I also scored 3 pair of shoes - Naturalizer, Børn and some other chi-chi brand - for $25 at the Secret Shoe Shop, so I have work shoes as well. Hopefully, I'll be able to put my best foot forward mid-week. Wish me luck!

2008-01-09T06:47:00.000-08:00

Abroad At Home

Among the many features of the past few weeks, including no kitchen sink since 22 December (and counting), was a visit from a very dear old friend. We've known him since Berkeley and it was great to have some serious time with him. He's pretty intense - very focused, serious but with a great sense of humor and adventure.

"Sweet T", as we call him, is one of the few people I know who feels the exact same way I do about shopping. I abhor shopping as a "sport". With the exception of markets, and sometimes even then, I have to have a focus. Once I know what I want, I'll research it until I'm utterly convinced that I need the item and that it's the best possible thing to suit whatever need I have and then track it down with a zeal usually reserved for blood dogs hunting down fugitives. Sweet T is the same - it's probably how our obsessive gene plays out. His list included an Imac laptop, videos with subtitles, pants, glasses, jewelery for his friend and a few other items.

The pair of Chinese-made dress shoes called "Crisis", unfortunately, did not fit the bill, but they were very kitschy-cool. We hit both the Somali and the Hmong markets in Minneapolis . I hadn't been to the former - DH is not as familiar with Africans as Sweet T is and I had felt that I wouldn't want to go there without a much older woman or (preferably) a man. The Somali market was great- if you ever needed a long skirt, that would be your place. One of the fun things was looking for a half-slip. None of the women knew the word, but when I showed them, they all knew what it was and had ideas - including other shops. The most popular style of underskirt is made of nylon, available in an astonishing array of colors and has about 12" -18" of coordinating lace at the bottom of the skirt. The top is unfinished, so length is controlled by cutting and hemming the top, and adding either a drawstring or elastic. The shopkeepers, mostly women, were very eager to help me and spoke good English. Not another white person there but almost everyone, shoppers and salesfolk alike, went out of their way to greet us hospitably. It was nice and very noticeable.

I've written elsewhere about the Hmong market. We went there looking for videos in Vietnamese (a big no-no, as it turned out) with English subtitles (about as likely as a Joan Rivers vow of silence). What we ended up finding was some very cool enamel/silver rings and an interesting mouth harp. The rings look like the ones above, but are in better condition for their age. The silver is very soft and the rings fit nicely to the hand. I got one for myself and one for Sweet T's friend - at $3 it was possible. The lady was a seamstress I'd met before and she had them thrown in an old basket with some other odds and ends. This kind of enamel work is more typical of the Mien Yao and comes from Laos, probably from the north. The local jeweler liked them and told a bit more about how they were very popular among the older people when the Hmong lived in Laos. "Not in style today here," he explained. "You come to new country, from Asia, from Europe, you get new style here." Actually, sometimes you just adopt and adapt new elements, which is one of the big kicks I get out of visiting the market - seeing how traditional clothing and ornament reflect the changing cultural climate and trends of the moment.

Another treasure was the rab ncas (Hmong) or đan môi (Vietnamese) - or (less succinctly) a Hmong double-forked mouth harp made of rolled brass. I spotted a small pile of them on a herbalists table. Her son, home on vacation from college, started to tell me about them, but his mother, the herbalist, got very excited and played on one of them for me. She then explained, with her son's help, that they were used by boys and girls courting back in the old country. The boy would go and sit outside the wall of the girl's house and start to play on the harp. She would then answer with her own song, if she was interested. "We went from this to the cell phone," she commented succinctly. The harp itself is easily bent and rendered unusable, so it's kept in a carved and dyed bamboo holder. There is a string with a silver coin on the end to wrap through a button hole, so that it's not lost while walking around. The coin on the end of the woolen thread is a silver commemorative coin from the Hmong New Year here in 1998, so that was an added plus.

It's amazing to be able to be transported into a different world in your own city in just a few steps. One of the many blessings of guests is that they offer that opportunity to leave off focusing on the mundanities of everyday life (big piles of dirty laundry, anyone?) and enter other worlds with new eyes.

2008-01-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

God Fortsättning!

... as we say in Swedish - "Good Continuation (of the new year)!". Sorry for the silence here and thanks to those of you who have written. Basically, things are ok here. It has been an incredibly full and busy three weeks with guests, fests, oral surgery, drafts of the dissertation, road trips, a funeral, falling on the ice and two head colds. With a new job on the horizon within a few days, things promise to continue apace, but I'll try and be better about updates.

2007-12-19T06:24:00.000-08:00

Asafoetida

Could just be my new nickname, because, boy, is it fetid! Fetid as in rank, cat-scarin', reach-for-the-vicks-from-a-dead-sleep stinky. I have no idea what brought on this miasma about 4 am, but suspect it is the now even more appropriately named "Smell Cookies". I baked a batch to take to my brother and ate 2 2" almond cookies. Who knew? Now I do.

Up to this point, I'd never had any DRH from food, once I figured out milk was the culprit. But I have new respect and personal knowledge of the power of my guts to say, in effect, "You are so not going there without major protest on our part". I was only actively ill for about an hour in round one but then back again for a second bout 2 hrs later. You know it's bad when you decide what you'll wear for the day based on how quickly you can denude your nether regions and get to the toilet. OTK socks rule!

2007-12-17T10:13:00.000-08:00

Hairitage? Inhairitance?

Ah, those crafty Germans! What is it that they understand about my hair that American shampoo manufacturers just fail to comprehend? Maybe they just get my hair genotype. The jury is out, but the good folks at Schauma have hit a home-run with their Volume-Plus shampoo. I've not suffered too terribly much from post WLS hair loss - most of what I lost has come back, but each hair is almost invisible, even though there are a lot of them. So, volume is a definite plus, especially in cold weather, when my hair has the natural volume and height associated with a pneumatically flattened flounder.

Someone in Germany sent me bottle of the Volume-Plus and I've been very pleased with the results. Because I have only the one bottle, I don't use it everyday - I do use their rose oil shampoo, which seems to have been discontinued, on a daily basis and it has kept my hair in quite good shape. That's really a plus, given that I swim in chlorine regularly and then rinse it in nasty soft water, which gives me the flattest hair this side of the Pecos.

On the downside, the stuff can be hard to track down in the US, although I saw at least one place offering it on the internet. No endorsement - just a possible resource for the hair-challenged among us. If you've suffered hair loss or thinning after the DS or other WLS, you might want to check Volume-Plus out.

2007-12-16T06:14:00.000-08:00

The meaning of life: meatballs?

Not seriously, of course. But meatballs seem to be doing it for me right now. I fry up a mess of those tasty mongrels and I'm eating well for the rest of the week. Three at a time is about my speed and they are the size of English walnuts when I'm done. I get about 1 dozen from a pound of ground beef. I like them because I can fry them up on a Sunday and have the rest of the week's default lunch ready to go. And as long as I get this dense protein, I don't seem to go up in weight, and have even lost 2 lbs despite eating chocolate *gasp* and drinking juice (I've had a nasty cold all week and I drink it half juice/half water).

Here's the recipe for Swedish meatballs. I make mine with meat and oil, and challah bread crumbs (yum!), but put the traditional, non-kosher alternatives here too in the interest of being complete:

Swedish meatballs! (keep the "bork, bork, bork" stuff to yerselves)

Equal parts of whatever meat you like - trad. is to use veal, beef and pork
salt
white pepper
finely chopped parseley
a little allspice - the secret ingredient

Now here's where you can get creative:

to 1 lb of meat take:

1/2 c. fresh bread crumbs - I like challah crumbs, but whatever you do, don't use the boxed kind, stuffing mix will work, tho
1/2 finely chopped onion (you could use shallots)
2 finely grated hard boiled eggs (can be omitted)
1 raw egg
1 tsp. (or good shake) worcestershire sauce
Chopped parsley, cilantro, tarragon, etc. as you like.

Increase the ingredients in proportion to your meat. Don't make them so tightly packed that they become hard little meatwads. Yech!

Don't crowd them in the pan. The meatballs will shrink as you fry them, but you want them to have enough room so that you can turn them.

If you like your meatballs really light, add a cup or so of very finely crushed ice. It will melt as you fry the meatballs, leaving them extra light. Another chef's secret!

Fry in butter or oil, higher heat at first to get them brown on each side, then lower heat under a lid. I get 12 2" meatballs per 1 lb of meat.

Serve with lingonberries or cream sauce (you can add protein to the cream sauce by making it nice and thick with egg yolks). They freeze beautifully and keep in the icebox for at least a week.

Smaklig måltid!

On an unrelated note, it's been a good week for writing and I've gotten email confirmation that my advisor will read my draft in early January. Now we need to get Grad Division on board. It's also been confirmed that I'll start my contract job in mid January.

2007-12-12T06:11:00.000-08:00

Big Dudes

Looking for a statistic for my dissertation yesterday, about Gustavus Adolphus, I ran across Leif Sjöqvist's blog. It's an interesting mixture of politics, philosophy and a Göteborg guy's look on life as he careens towards 50. But what makes it relevant to my blog is his talk about "coming out" as fat.

Now the dude has a sense of humor, and presumably a mirror, so surely his size didn't utterly escape him. And he's a soccer trainer, among other things, so he's out and active. It made me wonder about the prejudices towards fat men and how they are different from fat women. Do people of both genders make rude remarks to their faces, or do they get the more quiet condemnation of looks, gestures, etc.? How much more "wiggle room", as it were, do men get before they are labeled "fat", i.e. do you get XX number of lbs. per foot (or kg/m) and still get away with being a "just" a big guy?

And then there's the attractiveness/find a partner element. Having read Sjöqvist's juttu about how looks really do matter particularly, it seems, in the search to find Ms. Right Now, I began to think about whether I'd ever had a fat guy as an admirer and whether I would have considered him as a partner.

At first, I couldn't remember that I ever had, and I was appalled at my own presumably internalized prejudices. Had I really rejected nice, decent, funny, sexy, attractive guys because of their weight? Then I realized that it wasn't my taste that had disappointed me, it was my memory. I had, in fact, had several potential beaux, from various countries, might I add, who were non-standard weight (and height as well, now that I reflect on it further). All were good-looking, so there is probably some imageism there. On the other hand, "good-looking" is, charitably, a moving target, and what is "good-looking" to me may not be that to others. Most are friends to this day. The reasons that it didn't work out vary from my availability, to differences in drinking and other social habits, timing, expectations, etc. That and the fact that I tend to be the girl guys bring home to mother, and therefore less in the running as an "overnight unit" - something that has its good and bad points.

But I don't envy Mr. Sjöqvist his search for a partner in Sweden. Let me start by saying that I haven't lived there for 20 years, but I found living there and being different, in ethnicity (I was usually taken for an ethnic Finn), looks (I was "dark" by Swedish standards) size (you know all about that), religion (ditto) and just not much of a conformist, to be very challenging. None of this adds up to fun in a pub on Saturday night either, for what that matters. Swedish men were hard for me to read; much harder than Finns or Norwegians, with both of whom I got along more intuitively. In my experience, they were never as direct as my Nordbor of choice, nor charming enough to compete with more Continental types. Your mileage, undoubtedly, will vary.

One incident to illuminate my tale: I'll never forget being at a very formal 'do (in a frikkin' castle, no less) with a bunch of Finnish and Swedish guys. The Finns were from up where G-d washes his socks; the Swedes were mostly Stockholmers. We had just finished a formal dinner and it was time for the ball to begin (literally). Our Swedish cavaliers didn't even have the common courtesy to ask their table companions for the first dance. The Finnish "hicks" asked each of the ladies at their table up in order and no woman was left without a partner for more than two dances, unless she wanted it that way. I remember my friend Kiika and I was so proud of "our boys". It doesn't matter if your last name is Nobel or you are a prince; you can still be a social moron.

With Swedish women, I at least had some basic life experiences in common. It was a major liability with fellows, including most classmates, that I knew nothing about bandy or hockey, and only the most grossly superficial things about soccer, and I was presumably too stupid to teach. Outside of class, I found it hard to find strangers to talk with for more than 15 minutes on more than a superficial level without being utterly bored - and I'm the kind of person who can not only talk to a wall, but get the wall to tell me its life story, and am, generally speaking, almost never bored.

As for the problems Mr. Sjöqvist might have finding a lady of interest, maybe there's less tolerance for fat and ageing guys there than here - not that here is any great shakes. Secret pick-up tip: compliment a woman on her posture. It's not obvious, shows creativity and I wonder if there is a woman alive who doesn't like to be told that she walks/stands like a queen. Hey, I've fallen for it; I ought to know.

Update: A propos Deluzy's comment below, the book she recommends, Living Large: A Big Man's Ideas on Weight, Success, and Acceptance, has three customer reviews, all seemingly written by women, as it turns out.

2007-12-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

Sweaters and Chicken Soup

In the interest of keeping warm, I've been on a bit of a sweater craze. Fortunately, DH has dug up a number of old sweaters - some several generations old! - and they are being put in to service to keep me slightly less icicley. But I also bought a beautiful Norwegian sweater of a kind I never thought I would or could wear.

It's a fairly cropped kind of sweater - it's called a "jakke" in Norwegian - and it shows off my quite narrow waist. It doesn't hit at the best spot - i.e. my widish stomach, but it looks lovely with a black skirt. The knitting is amazing - two very different patterns on the front and on the back, silk ribbon along the edges and silver buttons. And although the yarn is fine, it makes me feel nice and warm. As you can see from the sweater, it's not a wear alone item.

But in the interest of keeping warm on the inside, I'm sending along my chicken soup recipe that I shared with Sparkly Jules the other day. I buy kosher wings, which are pretty cheap (relatively) and separate the drumettes from the winglets. Winglets go into the pot and the drumettes are baked up for later consumption. So for $2.75 of meat, I get a pot of soup - 3 meals for both of us, at least and 2 lunches for me. DH doesn't like dark meat, so he won't touch the drumettes. Something about the saltiness of the chicken works especially well. When I'm making soup for URI stuff, I make it with fresh ginger, 7-10 cloves of garlic, whole black pepper, cilantro, dried lemon peel, parsley and a pinch of cayenne. It's very restorative. For the vegetables - and were still talking stock here - it's carrots, parsley root (if I can find it), potato, celery tops, parsley and cilatro stalks, a parsnip if I have it and celery root, if I have it. All this gets brought to the boil with kosher soup mix and some salt and then simmered for 1 hr. Then I strain it and put it in the fridge to stand and mellow/defat.

From that base you can add anything - tomatoes and veggies if you want a vegetable soup, lemon juice, rice and dill and thickened with egg yolks for avgolemono soup, more chicken and sliced carrots/diced onions & celery for a more Ashkenazi chicken soup. But now you know the basics of my chicken soup. I wish you could smell it cooking; a person just feels better breathing the steam as it wafts up the stairs.

2007-12-05T20:01:00.000-08:00

Cold Feet, Warm Whatever

Coldness seems to be a reoccurring theme among post WLS folks. I did hear, happily, that the first years are the worst. Hope springs eternal, might I add.

In the interest of the cold among us, Target has a sale this week on their merino argyle socks at 3.99. 75% wool/ 25% nylon, machine wash. Also worth thinking about: great bamboo (!) tights which feel as snuggly as wool ones and don't itch. They also have some ok OTK socks in synthetic stuff that really do go up over the knees - even on my long and, um, muscular gams. I love E.G. Smith's over-the-knee (OTK) and over-the-top socks. They are 100% cotton and wear like iron. I've also been loving the bamboo stockings mentioned above which really have a nice hand. They do snag, tho. :(

A warm and happy Chanukah to all!

2007-12-04T07:16:00.001-08:00

Love Your Lentils

I don't usually post recipes here, but someone was complaining how they knew nothing about how to prepare lentils and how disgusting they looked. These recipes win *no* awards for beauty, but at 18 g of protein a cup, lentils are worth investigating. Coupled with quinoa and/or ground meat, you're good to go, in terms of protein and amino acids. And it's cheap protein as well! What's not to love?

So these recipes are good, solid and quite high in protein. It's down-home Lebanese cooking, but these types of dishes, with regional variations are eaten throughout the Middle and Near East.

You can eat this first one as a side, as a meal or as a sandwich filling. Both of the recipes are good make on the weekend and eat later recipes and pretty easy. It's also called "mujadara", but that may only be true for the version without meat.

Here's the parve/vegan recipe:

Mjardra

2 medium onions, diced finely
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup brown rice or quinoa
1 cup brown lentils
4 cups water (approximately)
1 OXO Veggie bouillon cube
1/2 teaspoon salt (you can use more or less)

Chopped cilantro or Italian parsley to taste

Heat oil in pan and gently fry onions on medium high heat until they are brown- stirring occasionally. Add in rice/quinoa and lentils, mix in with onions. Add water and soup cube and salt as needed. Mix, cover and simmer for at least one hour, until the water is absorbed and the grains are soft. You may need to add water. Check occasionally and stir so it doesn't burn to the bottom. Add chopped cilantro or parsley prior to serving.
Best if served in a shallow bowl, and let sit for 10 minutes or so. Enjoy warm or cold - I actually like it best room temperature. Serve with strained yoghurt (if you aren't going vegan or want a dairy dish) and you can add even more protein. Chopped sweet red and yellow peppers will liven the dish up visually.

Egyptians make it with the addition of tomatoes and chili pepper and it's called "koshari". Also good.

Mjardra with Meat

1 lb ground lamb or beef
1 chopped onion (2 if you don't use leeks)
2 chopped medium leeks - the white and yellow parts (save the green parts for soup)
2 cloves garlic chopped fine
2 tsp ras el hanout spices (omit or substitute your favorite pepper blend if you can't find this tasty spice mixture from Morocco, or if you don't like it)
(1/2 c. toasted pine nuts, if desired)
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown lentils
1 cup brown rice or quinoa
4 cups water (about)
2 chicken soup cubes or OXO vegetable cubes
chopped parsley or cilantro

Brown the meat in a heavy bottomed pan. If it's extra lean, you'll need to brown it in a little oil. Add the chopped onions, garlic and leeks and fry on medium heat until translucent. Add spices as suggested or to taste. I add the chopped stems of the greens at this point along with pine nuts.

Add the lentils and rice and fry briefly. Add the water, soup cubes and reduce heat. Simmer covered until lentils and rice are soft - about 1 hour. Be careful to stir and don't let this burn. Add chopped greens when cooked.
Serve hot or at room temperature. Goes well with a green salad or chopped vegetable salad, dressed with lemon juice and oil. Even better the second day!

You can also carmelize the onions before adding them to either version of the mjardra for a different taste.

2007-12-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

Putting A Good Face On It

After all of this weight loss, I'm guessing that I'm not the only one whose skin looks the worse for wear. I keep reminding myself, "at least that skin is soft, not hard, swollen, oozing or keloided". Most of the time this works to keep me non-(less?) fixated on the drifts of skin that seem to pile up like the snow around the lampposts.

When it comes to my face, however, I tend to be less accepting. Granted, I do feel like I've won in the genetics lottery when it comes to good facial skin tone. My mother has fewer wrinkles on her than some of my classmates. And my father's mother looks more like 70 than 95 in her face. I'm very blessed this way - especially as my mother's father's family has skin that looks like rawhide dragged over 50 miles of unpaved road. And that's just some of the women! However, they haven't lost the padding under the upholstery, as it were!

As a young woman, if you had told me this dryness would set it, I'd have laughed in your face. Honestly, I think I had enough grease on my face alone to set up my own Jiffy-Lube franchise. And this is definitely a post-surgical issue, rather than, say, menopause. With estrogen levels like this, we're talking more fertile than Iowa, folks. ;)

Alas, winter here in the middest of west can be a challenge to any kind of skin, especially with the single digits ruling the mercury. For me, the end of fall means a big change in my moisturizing practice, to stave off the ever-so-attractive "death mask" look (and feel!) I get when the lack of moisture starts sucking my skin dry.

Year-round, I'm a big, big fan of Dr. Hauschka's Quince Day Cream. I also subscribe to the no nighttime moisturizer school of thinking - i.e. I believe that your skin needs to breathe and rejuvenate without clogged pores at night. Dr. Hauschka's cream is spendy, but I use very, very little of it and I don't react to it, like I do to many creams (both cheap and expensive). During the winter, I go through a tube in 3-4.5 mos. To use it correctly, you need to massage the small amount well, but gently, into your skin. For all I know, the massage is the major benefit.

I'm also not friendly towards soap or most cleansers, especially on my face, nor have they liked my skin since infancy. Sometimes I'll use a lactic-acid based cleanser that my friends in Latvia are kind enough to bring me, but mostly its tepid water and maybe a face flannel. I try to spend less than 2 minutes in a hot shower - unless I'm chilled to the bone - and in winter I use Trader Joe's Lavender Body Oil on my arms, legs and upper chest while I'm still in the shower. This traps the moisture in my skin and helps keep me from being the amazing shedding snake woman. You know, like when you take off black pants or tights and it looks like there was a very, very local snowstorm in the legs?

If I know I'm going to be outside for a longer period and the cold or wind are factors, I'll sometimes use a very small amount (a dab about a dime in size) of the most amazing moisturizing cream I've ever found - Ambre di Venezia. Monty Taylor, bless his heart, has done me right with that cream, even though it's right up there with caviar on the oz for oz cost. Seldom rivaled, never surpassed is an accurate description of this thick, heavenly-scented moisturizer. Never, ever did I think I'd give a harlot's hello about moisturizers and creams. Time has proved differently and I'll pay well not to flake, itch and (hopefully) crease.

2007-11-30T07:11:00.001-08:00

Annual Post-DS Lab Results

Unless you are a DSer, want to join the club, or get really excited by lab values, you'll probably want to skip this post. But in the interest of providing data or a soporific, I'll post my annual lab results here, way, way, way down at the bottom of the page, cos I suck at cut and paste html. This will give other DSers an idea of what I have tested on a regular basis - and some of the stuff is pretty different than your standard post-surgical blood panel, i.e. copper, cortisol and estrogen. If you wan to know the whys and wherefores of various tests, check here or drop me a line and I'll try to explain why I have things checked out.

Summary: things are ok, for the most part. My A&D values are too low. This is no shocker - they were lower than this pre-surgery, probably because I live in a state where sun-bathing most of the year is a life-threatening activity and the suckers are malabsorbed with the fat and soluble. Can we say "lives in front of a computer screen"?

I'm very grateful that my iron, PTH and calcium are within normal ranges, especially iron, since I don't take any iron supplements at all, as they make me sicker than the proverbial dog. These are all very critical values for DSers. I was also chuffed that my ferritin is nice and high.

My outliers are on the low side: D (17 - low is 32 or 25); A 29 (38) and Zinc 51 (60). The A and D were low pre-op too - just about the same, actually.

But what threw me was that my B6 was so high - 187, when the normal range is - YEE-HAW - 26! Has this happened to anyone else? Did the F'up Fairy visit the lab, along with her sidekick Decimal Demon (18.7 would be smack mid-range, like all the other B's)? If you've had way too much B6, did some bodily appendage fall off or did you develop a dewclaw? Thoughts?

For the record, my supplementation consists of two Centrum silver (total: 8 mg of B6 - it takes 2000 to be considered "toxic") and 2-4 Citracal knock-offs. I'm going with three at present. It's modest, but seems to be working. I'll try adding ADEKs for a while and see what happens, but I'm always leery about too much of anything. Americans have the world's most expensive urine, doncha know?

Full lab details way too far down for most...

*S* Post DS Lab Values