Talkin' Tsuris

Sorry for the break here folks - there has been plenty afoot in the diss dept, with paperwork being lost, a new committee needing to be created and my advisor going on a sudden long adventure. It will all resolve itself, hopefully favorably, but this has necessitated doing a lot of research, writing and cajoling. But, it's worth remembering, in this crazy ol' bureaucratic world, that nearly anything can be accomplished with the correct number of the right signatures.

Another thought on "outsiderness" - one of the facts drilled into my not-unsubstantial skull from youth onwards is that one (i.e. I) had to learn to get along with all kinds of people in this world, and one of the better tools for doing this is finding a point of common interest. No quibbles here; this works for me and I can talk pleasantly to a doorpost, if I have to. The downside to this message is the unexpressed or subrosa text that I would have to be the one to find the common ground; I could not expect other people to know about, let alone appreciate or relate to, what I was interested in. Whether this was a gendered statement that would have been less emphasized as a guy, I don't know. It didn't really matter. I never found anyone my age (or usually even older) as a kid interested in what I found exciting at the moment, whether that was my sense of humor, word play, political philosophy, Catalan popular music, or Islamic ethnographies. What changed, was my expectations that I ever would find these souls in casual encounters. I feel very grateful that I have as many friends - not to mention my beloved, amazing husband- who share as many connection points as I do. But for acquaintances, I just expect to be the one who asks questions and smiles. When I do get asked about something, I always find myself trying to give an answer which is truthful, but not more than I think the conversation warrants. Do all people/women do this?

One of the interesting aspects of the whole weight loss is that now people talk to me more readily. In the simplest sense, I think I look more "normal" - less odd, or frightening, perhaps more attractive. But, I have found myself feeling even more like an outsider now. Before, my looks could work as an early sorting mechanism for eliminating unwanted/unnecessary/boring conversations. Now I actually have to engage with people, even to get them to go away. And I don't enjoy this all the time. In my usual café, I am often surrounded by people I like and whom I know moderately well. Also, I know more or less their areas of interest and expertise and can tailor my conversation to suit the general "flow". Sometimes I forget, like the other day when I couldn't remember the word for "vault" as in "vaulted ceilings". I knew it in Swedish - "valv" - but just couldn't get it together in English. This set me up for some good-natured teasing - most of my pals there are primarily monolingual. The one fellow who speaks multiple languages well - and who would probably have understood the situation - was absent. I laughed along with the others at myself, but felt very, very different again and a bit lonely.

I recognize this intellectual loneliness even from childhood. Sometimes I think of it as that classic cartoon scene when the performer finishes his piece and stands there with only the crickets chirping. Otherwise it's just the blank looks, sometimes followed by rolled eyes or barely smothered giggles. I used to think it was because I looked different because of my size, my coloring, dress, general lack of athletic interest/ability - in other words, something external and by extension, fixable. I'm thinking it's more the internal that's at issue here.

Here's the quandary: I look more like everyone else, but am still very, very different than your average Midwesterner. Don't misunderstand me - I don't feel better, superior or even smarter. What is unusual about me - and my husband for that matter - is that I am interested in an abnormally broad range of subjects and b) have above average abilities to store, recall and apply this information, often in unexpected ways. This is probably why I enjoy writing, especially anonymously, more and more - I can express different interests and sides of my personality without anyone remarking on it, or even knowing who I am. It's less isolating.


There are further developments on the bra front. The wires on the trusty Wacoal have started to push forward, giving that "Gertrude the Beer Waitress" look that all of us find a) very attractive, b) oh-so-comfortable and c)really flattering under any kind of blouse. Being a relative novice to the world of underwires, I wasn't sure what this meant, though I suspected that the "mind the gap" fit boded no good and couldn't be corrected with a pair of needle-nosed pliers, duct tape or some hand-sewing, all fall back positions

Indeed, indeed, this problem means that the bra is too large in the band. Really, I should just be grateful: here is a concrete piece of evidence that I am still losing weight, even though the scale shows only minor progress. Instead, I'm irritated that I have to go out and spend more money that I don't have on a bra that I'll only be able to wear for another two months. Urk! And, if you don't wear below a DD, good luck trying to find a bra in a regular shop like Target.

What to do? I avoided the spendy prof bra fitter in Bloomington - can't wear deo or any soaps and then you get to pay $15 for a hard-sell of three kinds of bras. No thanks. I had a great fitting at Nordstroms from a young lady named Shannon whose mother turns out to wear the same size as I do. And, yes, I probably am her mother's age, for what that's worth. But even full-price, I struck out. I'm now a 38/36 around the band with an HH - as in "H-holy Crap, I didn't know they made bras that big!" - cup (the cup changes as the band gets bigger and smaller). Back to the bra rack at Nordstroms (on Shannon's advice) to find a bra in size. I found one slightly smaller in the cup, but workable for $15. I'm hoping to find one that isn't pink or magenta during my SF Bay sojourn.

Update: I shouldn't have been that surprised or bent out of shape about the cup size. It's all about ratio between band size and cup size. Logically, as the band size gets smaller the difference between that number and the cup size increases. But, it's a new nightmare trying to find a "normal" band size - which is what a 36 or 85/90 in Euro sizes represents - with a cup size usually reserved for porn stars.